I know I haven't written lately. I have a lot on my mind and a lot of thoughts I want to get down on paper. I was going to post this on Aaron's facebook wall, but it was so long, that I figured I would make it a blog post. Just some thoughts and reflections about what was going on a year ago today/July 6th. So much has happened, yet in some ways I am grieving as much, if not more than I was when I lost Aaron. I want to do another post soon just discussing everything that has gone on and my thoughts. Anyway, today would have been Aaron's 31st birthday.....
Hard to believe that tomorrow you would be 31. Taken from us way too early. You have been on my mind all week (you are daily, but even more so this week with the 4th of July (which you loved and reminisced about the 2-3 years we sat on our deck and watched people set them off, like a private show. I miss those things. I miss sharing them with you) and then tomorrow's your birthday. Wish I could have given you a better party like I was planning (you wanted to celebrate your 30th birthday so badly (you liked celebrating every year, but last year was different. It was the big 3-0, a MAJOR milestone, and maybe you knew you didn't have much time left. You made it impossible to plan a surprise, and I so badly wanted to get everyone together and go roller skating/roller blading from your 30th, something you talked about for the longest time). Instead of the big party, which i was going to do when you got better, we had a wonderful birthday party for you in the Duke cafeteria. Minus a few people key people, you were definitely surrounded by people who had a lot of love for you. You were surrounded by the best friends you could ask for, whom had become like family to us. We had our hats and the incredibly decadent and delicious Black Forest Cake from Mad Hatters.
I also know that with your birthday coming up, I'll start remembering all the craziness that happened a few days later, after your open lung biopsy, as you got sicker and sicker with no answers, not knowing what to treat or how to treat what was going on, or even what was going on before that being in the hospital for 6 weeks and then two weeks after coming home, you were there another 3 before passing away. I'm glad you had that day, though not very elaborate, but memorable, seeing everyone and catching up one last time for most people that were there. I know from then on, things got bad, you got sicker, we almost lost you in July, and I had hopes of you pulling through.
When you came home, those two weeks meant the world to me, and was what we both needed. Time to be together, hold each other and talk. July had scared us both and we were hanging on to each other for dear life. I am dreading our anniversary, because that was the day I truly lost you. I Sure you were with us for another 3 weeks, but you weren't really "with" us. The 9th at 4AM I was pretty much saying goodbye, though I didn't know it yet. I clung to you, and you told me to be strong and brave, that you were going to fight this and be fine. Unfortunately that wasn't the case, but I remember kissing you before they kicked me out of your room, holding on to you with my arms wrapped tightly around you, not wanting to let go, wondering if this was it. I had never seen you so sick. We got to say happy anniversary but never swapped cards. We both had them and you had discussed it a few days early but said we'd wait and you never got a chance to open my card and read the words I wrote to you straight from my heart after everything we had gone through in June and July, things I wanted you to know and hear, how I felt about you and almost losing you, and my thoughts and deepest feelings I had for you, and how it made me realize (the vent incident in July) that I loved you and what we had more than I had ever realized, if that makes sense. I felt like I was taking our relationship forgranted, thinking you'd always be there. It was the first time I thought, what am I going to do if you don't pull through? I opened your card one night when you and I both were having a rough night and struggling and it was such a beautiful card. You were never one for buying me or anyone for that matter sappy, mushy, romantic cards, (they were usually funny and cute), but for some reason, you got the perfect, romantic card with the perfect message. As painful as it was to open, and having tears sliding down my face, it was what I needed right then and there.
The next 2 months are going to be very difficult. I can't believe you have been gone for 10 months now, at times it feels like it's been years and years. I am still grieving and will be for a long time to come. It just breaks my heart. I have never felt so lonely or lost, losing not only my husband and soulmate, but my best friend. I could tell him anything, and with just a hug or wiping away my tears, you were my rock, we both hid our internal turmoil and fears about losing you to protect each other. It's not fair that you had to lose your battle so young, but I know you are watching over us all, though now you have others up there with you, also taken so soon. I know you guys are watching over some friends who could desperately use the extra strength and someone watching over them right now.
I'm still trying to figure out how to move on/forward without you, but at times it's like walking blind and often into a wall. It's hard figuring out who I am, when we've always been Kellie and Aaron, since I was 18 and you were 22 I believe. Trying to figure out how to make us and we become me and I. Anyway, I'll stop rambling. Just been a tough, tough year, with more tough days ahead. I miss you more every single day, and my heart still aches, while tears still fall down my cheeks, but I also have so many wonderful and happy memories or us to make me laugh and smile- 8-10+ years of them. I just miss having you to share my life with, miss having you to talk to about anything and everything- we never, ever ran out of things to say, sharing experiences, having political discussions or anything controversial, where we could be on the same page and side, but you'd always play devil's advocate trying to make me think and put together a strong argument, watching many medial shows and talking about them or other shows we watched, discussing the future, dreaming of those days, watching our nephew grow up, just having someone you/I could depend on and trust completely, who knew how to help the pain in my heart, and I miss your half-smile and your expressive eyes that told me that I was the only one for you and that you loved me, making me feel like the luckiest girl in the world, the only woman in the world sometimes, and you made me feel beautiful not matter what I thought in my head, brining so much laughter, happiness and joy into my life, which is often missing now. The one person you turn to when something like this happens is your spouse, but what do you do when it's your spouse that is gone? I know eventually I will figure it out, but regardless I will ALWAYS love you, no matter what or how much time passes. I know you want me to be happy, but I have a long way to go in the grieving process. Right now I have a lot of anger and some bitterness (not towards you or anyone in particular) just the situation and life in general. I'm trying to find the good amongst the bad, as you always did.
I love you with al my heart and soul and miss you so incredibly much, I miss you more with each passing day, knowing that it's another day past the the day we lost you.
Happy 31st Birthday, my love. ♥
P.S. Sending love and thoughts to my mother-in-law who is stuck in bed, forbidden to get up except for a few exceptions, with her foot extremely elevated after having surgery on her ankle on Monday. She unfortunately will be stuck like that for two weeks, and then will go from there! I know she (and my father-in-law) could use some extra love, support and thoughts right now with her ankle and with it being Aaron's birthday. <3
