New Year, Hopefully Improved Health, and a Commitment to me and my Body, Mind and Soul, A Year of New Beginnings

2014, the beginning of a New Year. A time when we all sit down and reflect, especially about the changes we want to make in our lives- our good intentions, our New Year's resolutions, many we work hard at that we fulfill and succeed, but even more, all with good intentions, fall by the wayside, as we get into routines, a " comfort," which is very, very difficult to change. We may really try, but we usually fall back into old habits, as much as we try not to. Changing your lifestyle, integrating something new into our lives is very difficult, especially sticking to it. I think many of us set such high, lofty, big goals, which are wonderful, but it's easier to make smaller, easier to achieve goals, which will eventually help with the bigger picture. It's easier to make gradual changes and incorporate those into our lives, instead of the big goals being so overwhelming that we gave no idea where to even start. Not wanting to set myself up for disappointment in myself and in others, or feeling like a failure, never being able to stick to those resolutions, no matter how good my intentions might be, I no longer make "New Year's Resolutions (but this year I have made goals, but baby-steps, breaking the larger goal/picture into manageable chunks." You don't have to wait until a new year to make changes, set goals or make a list of new year resolution-type stuff. I know why we all use the New Year as our "jumping off point," as we feel a New Year changes everything, that the previous year is behind us, that we have a blank slate ready to be filled with everything we want to do, a new page is turned in the book of your life- a fresh clean page, a brand new chapter just waiting to be written because this year, this particular year, things will be different, you promise yourself.  You don't need to wait for that one day of the year, a day just like any other, except for it's distinction of the 1st day of a New Year. Any day can be the day you "wipe the slats clean" and start fresh, the day you turn the page and  "write" the story of the life you want to be living/leading and actually doing it. 

Part of 2013, and now 2014 have been/are going to be the years I take for me- I know that may sound selfish and whatnot but I need to focus on me, figure out who I am on my own, just me, and find that happiness and joy inside if myself and figure out how to love me, all of me-flaws, scars, mind, body, spirit and all, and learn to be at peace with myself. That's my biggest goal. I need to work on my health, my body, mind, emotions and spirit and just be happy with me. Having recently completed a cognitive-behavioral approach to dealing with severe chronic pain/having several difficult to live with health issues, working through the fact that my life is not how I ever dreamed if or imagined, but that that's ok. It helped me learn that I need to set goals/"New Years-type resolutions"/subtle but doable changes to my life/life-style, something to live for and work towards, but also how to break those goals down step-by-step to make them less overwhelming and more achievable and to start with short - term goals, those you can accomplish in 6 months, but in the back of your mind a bigger goal, that the smaller goals will help you work towards. Other than my health and working in me in particular, I want to be a better friend/family member and stay in better touch with people instead of withdrawing inside myself and not dealing with things, I want to be self-sufficient- be able to find my own place that I can afford or work towards being in a place financially and physically where I am able to find an apt and live on my own again, and work on being ok with living and being alone, not let the loneliness pull me down, that is fairly decent and find a way to hopefully being disabled like having someone come in and help with some if the cleaning, as pain makes household chores difficult as is cooking, find a way to meet people and friends my age- it's hard when people can't always relate to me and everything I have gone through when they are living the dream I envisioned got myself, but regardless, I want to try to make and maintain friendships in town, meeting people somehow, just to get out and socialize. I miss having friendships with amazing women like I have had in the past and most recently in NC. I need to think about trying to move forward with my life, as it's been on hold since losing Aaron- I think it will be tough, I don't know that I'm ready- I am just lonely and miss having that emotional intimacy with someone, but I know he didn't want me to be alone and he wants me to be happy, but it's an absolutely terrifying thought, so that may be put on hold, especially until I figure out who I am and learn to love me/myself as I am, as I am very shy and insecure about myself. I can't imagine finding someone like Aaron again or finding that kind of love again, as I was lucky to find it once, but you never know. I am not ready or at that point yet where I am even ready to meet someone,   I miss and love Aaron so much it hurts, he loved me unconditionally, all of me, even the parts of me I hate or am very insecure about, especially my physical appearance, especially where I used to be thin, fit and confident about myself until I got sick, lost the ability to be so active and medications causing massive weight gain in such a short time frame, so I'm so subconscious about my weight and looks, not knowing how anyone, especially Aaron, for that matter thought I was beautiful just the way I was and who wants someone overweight and sick- having an illness is a huge burden to put on someone, as the illness affects the entire family and everyone you care about and who cares about you. Why would a man want to take that on, someone who physically is unable to work or be Miss Suzy homemaker. See what I mean about finding out who I am and about needing to learn to love myself, especially before I can even expect or am able to find someone to love me. Anyway, goals, goals, goals...  Just need to work on me, that's the biggest one and then self- sufficiency/independence/going back to living on my own.  I'm 29, it's time- I will be 30 in a year and definitely want things to change before then. 

To work on my health, other than my Ketsmine infusions, which are such a blessing and I truly believe a gift from Aaron, making a bunch/a series  of "coincidences" occur that led to getting Ketamine a Infusions and some wonderful doctors from the wonderful doctors in New Hampshire to my new amazing neurologist in a Brunswick. It's a few too many coincidences that happened and I don't believe in that many coincidences, it's something else and focusing on my health and getting wonderful opportunities and wonderful doctors who are working diligently on my "case" to help me feel better, and I think that was a gift from Aaron, telling me it was my time/turn to focus on my health after years of trying to keep Aaron healthy and his health being our main focus. I think he wanted to make up for the horrendous pain dr in NC who under treated my RSD/CRPS so much that he made the disease worse, though that wasn't his fault.  So now I am working with my neurologist in Brunswick, who by the way is AMAZING- she believes in the mind-body approach and we can harness the power of our minds to heal our bodies and in alternative treatments, not in band aids to mask symptoms, but in fixing the underlying problem if possible, as she has said modem medicine has failed me for the most part, which is pretty true, and using daily meditations when I first wake up every day started at 3 minutes and now working towards 5 mins w/an ultimate goal of 15-20 minutes max, to hopefully reprogram my nervous system, calming down the sympathetic nervous system, which is responsible for my RSD/CRPS, and it keeps my body in a constant fight or flight mode that most people only experience during an adrenaline rush/in an emergency, but my body is constantly stuck in that state, causing many issues like extreme fatigue (she basically said I gave an energy crisis on my body), dysfunction of my autonomic nervous system and pain, etc. We are hopeful that the meditations will help "awaken" my parasympathetic nervous system, which is more calming and relaxing, the opposite of fight or flight and return my body to that natural state of calm and out of that fight or flight mode. 

We are also doing  a Food Allergy Elimination Diet, which just plain sucks right now, but it's one by a Dr. Alan Gaby which is quite strict. I'm on day 3 of 21 (well it will be longer than that since the re-introduction if foods can take a while), and just taking it a day at a time, as my Dr. said. "You can do anything for one day, and tomorrow, when you get there, you can do anything for that one day." Sound advice. The food withdrawal for the first few days are the toughest. So many people think that food allergies/sensitivities only cause one if two things- 1. GI- Gastrointestinal issues, w/stomach/intestinal issues or 2. In the form of anaphylaxis, with rash, hives, swelling, throat swelling making breathing difficult, but there are many subtle/"hidden" things good sensitivities/intolerances/allergies such as: fatigue; anxiety; depression; insomnia; food cravings (the foods you crave, unless pregnant, are usually the foods that will be problematic for you); obesity; recurrent/susceptibility to infections- i.e. Frequent colds, sore throats, UTIs,ear infections, etc.; chronic nasal and chest congestion; postnatal drip; fluid in ears/inner ear issues and vertigo; GI/stomach issues; high blood pressure; heart arrhythmias; angina/chest pains; acne; eczema; psoriasis; canker sores; hives; muscle aches; osteoarthritis; rheumatoid arthritis; joint pain; inflammation; migraines and other headaches; numbness; asthma; and many other things most people would never associate with food allergies/sensitivities. We are trying to figure out if good may be playing any role in some of my health issues, especially since so many good allergies/sensitivities run rampant on both sides of my family, with gluten/Celiac Disease being the #1 food issue in my family. So for 3 weeks no soy, dairy, wheat/gluten, corn, nuts, eggs, chocolate, citrus fruits, bananas, dried fruit, coffee, tea, caffeine, yeast, refined sugars (can only have up to 3tsp a day total of honey and/or maple syrup), artificial sweeteners (which I can't have anyway as it's one of my biggest migraine triggers- almost an instantaneous migraine especially with aspartame), nothing with sulfites, food additives, tomatoes and other members if the "nightshade" family-tomatoes, peppers of any kind, white potatoes, eggplant, paprika, cayenne, and tobacco- the tobacco certainly is NOT something I've ever had or want to have, no garlic, onions, mushrooms, no non-organic grapes, all allowed juice is to be diluted 50:50 juice to water, any foods I crave or gave questions about even if on the "ok to eat list" or anything I eat 3 or more times a week as eating the same thing often, the increased exposure to a food can over time cause your body to become sensitive/allergic to the food and many other things. So many foods contain hidden ingredients that I can't have so it's tough. One day at a time and see if we can identify any food issues- we know that this won't fix or solve everything but it may help with some of the health issues I deal with if we identify and eliminate a possible food trigger/allergy/sensitivity. It will be worth it in the end when we know for sure one way or the other! Just keep thinking that and that I can do anything for ONE day! Once the withdrawal symptoms, hunger, fatigue, cravings and horrendous headaches calm down after I'm done detoxing, I should feel MUCH, MUCH better and this will get easier and not so overwhelming. The first 3-5 days are the toughest. Pone step, one day at a time! Here's to a new year with hopefully improved health, and maybe it will break my habit of eating only in the late afternoon into the night- I can go almost all day without eating but in the evening is when I make up for it, which is horrible, do I am hoping eating small frequent meals throughout the day will help break that cycle, which may help weight-wise, too, even though this diet has nothing to do with weight, instead it's all about finding food "triggers"/allergies/sensitivities, etc. 

So those are my eventual goals for the year to come. I'm turning the page to what is a new chapter in my life. My life and what I make if it/with it is mostly on my hands. I can control my life and destiny- it may not be or look like the life I framed of/imagined, but it's still a life to live, and every second of everyday, every single breath you take, counts, you have to make the most if it, take care of yourself and those you love and always tell people how you feel about them, if you love them, what they mean to you, whether a friend, family member, parent, sibling, spouse, child, etc., as you never know when life gets in the way or things happen, as we have such a short time together. You never know if it's the last chance you have to tell someone you love them- I know that first-hand. You don't want regrets or the " what-ifs." Embrace life, those around you and most importantly life. Aaron, Lori, Bobby, Amber, etc. taught me that and that life is fleeting. Now I just need to truly  "LIVE" it!

Happy New Year, everyone!  So despite my thoughts above, take advantage of that new year, that new chapter, that fresh new blank page, that clean slate and remember to always be true to yourself.