My Pepere

 As a lot of you know, my grandfather (My Pépère) passed away at the age of 95 in the wee hours of the morning on Saturday, February 18th. I'm glad I got the chance to see him about a week and a half before he died, to get one more hug, one more hand squeeze and one more kiss on the cheek, and one last chance to say, " I love you, Pépère,  before he passed away. I had a feeling it was going to be one of the last times, if not the last time I would see him. We definitely were not expecting him to pass away when he did, but he is no longer suffering like he was over the last few years, and even more so lately. It still doesn't make it any easier, even when you know it's coming. 

My heart breaks for my Mémère, who is without her partner in life, someone who was by her side for 74+ years. I know what it's like to lose a spouse, although not a spouse of 74 years, and I know some of what she is going through, the pain of such a momenumental loss, the loneliness, the grief at losing your life partner, feeling like the world keeps turning even though your world stopped,, and I wish I could hold her and take on the pain of the loss for her. She is a strong and amazing woman, who cared for my Pépère for so long, even when it was too much for her in order to keep him home as long as possible. He spent his last couple months in the nursing home, where he could receive constant, round the clock care that he needed, especially with him having lost his eyesight completely from glaucoma, dealing with a host of other  chronic medical issues, as well as some sort of dementia, possibly exacerbated by the loss of his eyesight. He was completely dependent on my grandmother for even the most basic of care. What she was able to do and for so long is nothing short of amazing and shows the bond and love they shared, and their devotion to one another. My grandfather absolutely adored my grandmother, and we would all be so lucky to find someone so special and spend a lifetime together creating a beautiful life filled with beautiful memories. 

I was honored to be asked to write and read the eulogy at today's service for my grandfather. It's so hard to find the perfect words to honor someone who means so much to you, and honor them properly and in the best way possible. I truly hope that I was able to accomplish that today. It was one of the hardest and most emotional things I have done, along with doing the same for Aaron after he passed away. Trying to keep my composure while reading it was extremely difficult. I definitely broke down after, but I got through it and honored Pépère the best way I knew how. He is so loved, and to see all the people that came to pay him and our family their respects, was just beautiful, amazing and a testament to him, and the person he was, and how much light, laughter and love he brought to those around him. 

I wanted to share my eulogy for anyone who wasn't able to attend the service today, or anyone who wanted a copy or to read it again and to share the amazing man my grandfather was with all of you. He is going to be deeply missed, but his imprint on our lives will be with us always, as will all of our memories of him. He was truly one of a kind. 

Pépère's Eulogy 

For those of you who don’t know me, I’m Kellie Pelletier, Rosaire’s youngest grandchild, and as he used to whisper to me, his favorite grandchild, something I KNOW was a “secret” he told to each one of us, but to me, and all of us grandchildren, he was just Pépère. When I sat down to write this, I must have written 20 drafts, as how do you say goodbye to such a great man and grandfather, to someone who has been such an integral part of your life for your entire life?  Most people don’t get to live so far into adulthood having their grandparents in their life like we did. How do you properly honor your Pépère in the best way possible, someone who helped shape and mold you into the person you are today- someone so strong, who seemed invincible to this little girl, and larger than life; someone who would do anything for his family, and someone who was always so stubborn, but happy-go-lucky, smiling, laughing- I can still hear his signature giggle, and always cracking jokes and teasing those he loved. He was always there, and always willing to drop everything if any of us needed anything, as family was everything to him, the most precious thing in the world. He meant more to me than anyone could ever know and he was my hero, my protector, a positive role model, my guardian angel here on earth, my biggest cheerleader and supporter, my place of solace and comfort, my best friend, my sunshine- as we were his, and the best grandfather a girl could ask for. No matter the day, the time, the circumstance, you could find him sitting in his rocking chair in the sun either in the living room, in the den, on the porch or in the garage, by himself, with Mémère or with whichever family member, friend or neighbor happed to stop by, and he would know just what you needed with each visit- either catching up, talking about life or just sitting side by side rocking quietly. He would always make sure to get a joke in, as he loved to see us smile and hear us laugh. Life was hard enough without happiness and laughter.

I was lucky that I got a chance to do a report on my grandparents for 8^th grade French class. I had to interview my grandparents and learn about what life was like for them growing up. I remember calling them, and having them each on the phone one at a time, asking questions about their humble beginnings. Had I not done that, I wouldn’t have learned what Pépère had endured and how it had shaped him into the man he was now, as his childhood was not something he often reminisced about. He endured so much hardship before the age of 10, and it made him want a better life for himself and his future family. I want to share some of that with you now.

 Pépère was born and raised in Auburn, the youngest of three boys. They grew up extremely poor, as he grew up in the midst of the Great Depression. His mother stayed home to raise the family and take care of the home, while his father worked in the shoe shops and mills in Lewiston/Auburn to support the family. When he was only 5 years old, his family lost their home for the first time in the Great Fire of New Auburn in 1933. The fire, which started at a car repair shop, quickly spread to all of New Auburn destroying many homes and business, leaving Pépère and his family, as well as thousands of other people, homeless. Just three years later, they lost their home again in the Great Flood of 1936. Many homes, apartment buildings and businesses in downtown Lewiston/Auburn, that were situated along the low-lying areas along the Androscoggin River, particularly in Little Canada and New Auburn were evacuated when the flood began. The water was over 2 stories high in Little Canada and New Auburn alone, washing away many homes, businesses and even some of the bridges connecting the two communities. It took over a week for the waters to recede and it brought so much uncertainty while people waited to see if their homes survived. Unfortunately, the Poisson family once again lost their place of residence for the 2^nd time in 3 years. It seemed like bad luck was following them, and it made it difficult for them to get ahead and provide a better life for the three boys.

When Pépère was old enough to start working, he also started working in the mills and the shoe shops, as his father had, but quickly learned it was not the kind of job he enjoyed doing, nor one he wanted to do for the rest of his life. He also knew it wouldn’t guarantee that he would be able to break the cycle of poverty that he grew up in, so he knew he needed to find another way to support his family. He got lucky and someone gave him an opportunity to learn a new trade, upholstery. Pépère jumped on the opportunity and started apprenticing, learning the skills he needed to be successful, not knowing how much he would enjoy it and excel at it, and that one day, he would open his very own successful business. At night, he would try to earn extra money by taking on his own small upholstery jobs on the side, before gaining enough confidence, growing his skills, and mastering his trade enough to eventually strike out on his own. In 1955, he felt like he was finally ready and he opened his own shop, Poisson’s Upholstery on Pierce Street in Lewiston. His dedication, hard work and eye for detail made him one of the most sought after upholsterers in the area, as his work was impeccable, he was reliable, and he produced quality pieces. As a kid I used to love to watch him at his craft, first on Pierce Street, and then later in the basement of my grandparents’ home, after he retired in 1993, where he only took on small and special clients or did projects for himself- well really for Mémère, whenever she had the whim to change up the colors of the chairs and couches, his family or his friends. You could tell that he loved what he did, that it was a passion for him to take on furniture that was run-down, frayed, torn, worn out and ready to be thrown out and completely stripping the piece down to the bare frame, and rebuilding it from scratch, starting with new foam, new cushions, new fabric, new hardware, really, new everything, but the frame, turning it into a master piece. He never once measured the upholstery fabric to make sure it fit the chair or couch he was covering. He could somehow always eyeball it and get it exactly right, fitting perfectly every time, with hardly any extra fabric left over as waste or scraps. He would then put a handful of upholstery tacks into his mouth and spit them out off his tongue one at a time, hammering them in. Every bit, every single detail of the couch or chair was carefully and painstakingly refinished and made to look brand new. Each item he refurbished was a labor of love and a representation of him. His work and work ethic spoke for themselves and he was widely sought after for that reason.

What I didn’t realize at the time, was that I was learning a life lesson, that life could be brutal and that we won’t make it out unscathed, but no matter what happens, we could always start over from scratch and remake ourselves into something we were proud of, a better version of ourselves, with a little love, nurturing, patience, strength and hard work.

Pépère met Mémère at a local dance shortly after she and a couple of her sisters moved to Lewiston from her family farm in Guerette in Northern Maine, to make a better life for themselves, seeking work at the mills. Rumor has it that he knew that she was the one for him almost right away, but that she took a little convincing to know that he was the one for her and the person she wanted to create a life and a family with. Looking back on it now, it looks like he was right and that they were each others great loves of their lives, as they would have been married for 74 years on June 25^th. Less than 4 years later, my mother was born, and 5 years after that, my Aunt Nancy, the next two greatest loves of his life after my grandmother.

Pépère loved Mémère with all his heart and absolutely adored her. They were inseparable. They loved to travel together with my Uncle Clifford and Aunt Cecile, and they always sent us post cards or bought us souvenirs from wherever their latest bus trip took them. It was always a goal for me to find someone who loved me like Pépère loved Mémère, and I did for a short while. Life wasn’t always easy, but they navigated the unpredictability of life- the highs, lows, heartbreak, loss, and hardship always together, as they could face and endure whatever was thrown their way, as long as they were together. They certainly set an example for all of us.  

Pépère was tough, but fair, brutally honest and stubborn to a fault sometimes, and he only wanted the best lives for his daughters. Most people could never live up to his impossibly high standards and the expectation of the life he hoped their future spouses were going to provide for his daughters, and a lot of men didn’t even bother trying to impress Pépère, or follow his strict rules and curfew for dating his daughters. He had such a reputation that my father ended up standing my mother up on their first date, because he was terrified of my grandfather. My grandfather was NOT impressed by that, and I’m sure neither was my mother, but somehow, my father got up the courage to take my mother on an actual date. Thank goodness my grandfather and mother gave him another chance, because otherwise this story would have ended much differently. When my father finally worked up the courage to propose to my mother, he went to ask my grandfather for permission to marry her. My dad says he went to Pépère’s upholstery shop on Pierce Street, and afterwards my dad said it was dead silent while my grandfather rolled the roll of fabric he was going to be using for whatever project he was working on that day, back and forth, over and over again, across his fabric cutting table, until he finally said quietly, “I guess so.” You would never know now that my grandfather was so tough on my father or that he had any reservations at all about him with the bond, love and respect the two of them shared over the years.

Eventually, after finally agreeing to let his daughters marry the men they loved, he got the greatest gift in the form of four grandchildren. His grandchildren, were the apple of his eye, well we like to think we were, and we had him wrapped around our little fingers. Whenever a new grandchild was born, he would come over to the house just to rock us for as long as possible. My grandfather never had a bigger smile than he did whenever he was just holding or rocking his grandchildren and great-grandchildren. It looked like you had just handed him the entire world, but I imagine to him, we all WERE his entire world. As we got older, he loved to spoil us all. He would get down on the floor with us and play with our toys or play games with us. He was basically like a big kid himself, always smiling, laughing, cracking a joke, pulling our noses off our face, tugging on our ears, playing small pranks, being goofy to make us laugh, and he was always mischievous, always up to something. As we started growing up there were lots of Saturday night sleepovers, that included French Mass at Holy Cross Church, bean suppers, eating thin, perfectly charred on the grill, potato slices off the end of Pépère’s paring knife, as a snack while he was grilling hamburgers, making and eating cucumber sandwiches, listening to Lawrence Welk in the background on the TV, watching candle pin bowling, old cartoons, Jeopardy, and Wheel of Fortune, while eating ice cream, cookies or his famous homemade buttered popcorn- he always made it air popped with real melted butter poured over it in layers, so you could saturate every kernel, or watching my grandparents play card games with family and friends. There were bike rides and walks around the neighborhood, playing in the sprinkler, eating his prized cucumbers and tomatoes out of the garden, playing hide and seek, and sitting in the sun rocking away eating popsicles, while he would say that we were living “The Life of Reilly,” meaning life was good.

He most looked forward to Christmas and summer family Lobster Feeds, or anytime the entire family got together. He would always say the only thing he wanted for Christmas, other than Chocolate Covered Cherries, was having his entire family all together, first just his daughters, their spouses and the grandkids, and eventually our spouses and significant others and his great-grandchildren. We would play pool on his pool table down in the basement, play some tough and very competitive games of Skat, check out his new model planes he was building, listen to and sing along to his collection of records downstairs while playing pool, have wrapping paper fights, with the target being whomever was not paying attention and making sure to save the bows on your presents to add the to collection of bows on Pépère’s head, especially the really fancy bows. It was a almost like a contest to see how many bows we could get to stick on his head every year. Sometimes there would be so many bows, we would have to stick them to the front and back of his shirt as well.

Pépère might not have realized it, but he helped create and nurture my love of music. I loved to listen to the Big Band Music of Lawrence Welk, the many records he had downstairs, or him singing “You Are My Sunshine” to us or the slightly off key “Happy Birthday” he sang to us in person, or over the phone, every single birthday, without fail, but what I loved most and the best present he ever gave me outside of his time, was the piano they had downstairs that my Mom had learned to play on as a child. Playing piano opened up a whole new world for me. It gave me an outlet, a way to express myself and a way to connect with people. It gave me a passion, something I loved, something he likely also experienced playing clarinet and saxophone. He came to every concert and recital, and even to listen to me play piano with the St. Joseph’s Church choir on Christmas. He was always our biggest supporter and was always so proud of us all, bragging about whatever little thing we were doing to whichever neighbor, family member or friend happened to stop by. I will always share a love of and passion for music with him, and I will always be grateful for that gift he brought into my life.

Helen Keller once said, “What we have once enjoyed deeply, we can never lose. All that we love deeply, becomes a part of us.” Pépère’s love and influence have shaped my life in so many ways, ways that even I don’t realize, and I know my work ethic comes from him. He was always harder on himself than anyone else, yet wanted to make sure we always showed ourselves patience and grace. I am thankful to have had him in my life for so long, and to have so many deep, treasured memories to hold on to, as well as so much happiness and love. I’m thankful for all the hugs, kisses, hand squeezes, high fives, laughter, chats, and times rocking in a chair next to him feeling the warmth of the sun. He truly was one of a kind, and I’m grateful that he was my grandfather. Pépère, I know you are finally and truly, “All Set” now, and you are watching over us all to make sure we are, too. I love you, Pépère.

 

New Year, Hopefully Improved Health, and a Commitment to me and my Body, Mind and Soul, A Year of New Beginnings

2014, the beginning of a New Year. A time when we all sit down and reflect, especially about the changes we want to make in our lives- our good intentions, our New Year's resolutions, many we work hard at that we fulfill and succeed, but even more, all with good intentions, fall by the wayside, as we get into routines, a " comfort," which is very, very difficult to change. We may really try, but we usually fall back into old habits, as much as we try not to. Changing your lifestyle, integrating something new into our lives is very difficult, especially sticking to it. I think many of us set such high, lofty, big goals, which are wonderful, but it's easier to make smaller, easier to achieve goals, which will eventually help with the bigger picture. It's easier to make gradual changes and incorporate those into our lives, instead of the big goals being so overwhelming that we gave no idea where to even start. Not wanting to set myself up for disappointment in myself and in others, or feeling like a failure, never being able to stick to those resolutions, no matter how good my intentions might be, I no longer make "New Year's Resolutions (but this year I have made goals, but baby-steps, breaking the larger goal/picture into manageable chunks." You don't have to wait until a new year to make changes, set goals or make a list of new year resolution-type stuff. I know why we all use the New Year as our "jumping off point," as we feel a New Year changes everything, that the previous year is behind us, that we have a blank slate ready to be filled with everything we want to do, a new page is turned in the book of your life- a fresh clean page, a brand new chapter just waiting to be written because this year, this particular year, things will be different, you promise yourself.  You don't need to wait for that one day of the year, a day just like any other, except for it's distinction of the 1st day of a New Year. Any day can be the day you "wipe the slats clean" and start fresh, the day you turn the page and  "write" the story of the life you want to be living/leading and actually doing it. 

Part of 2013, and now 2014 have been/are going to be the years I take for me- I know that may sound selfish and whatnot but I need to focus on me, figure out who I am on my own, just me, and find that happiness and joy inside if myself and figure out how to love me, all of me-flaws, scars, mind, body, spirit and all, and learn to be at peace with myself. That's my biggest goal. I need to work on my health, my body, mind, emotions and spirit and just be happy with me. Having recently completed a cognitive-behavioral approach to dealing with severe chronic pain/having several difficult to live with health issues, working through the fact that my life is not how I ever dreamed if or imagined, but that that's ok. It helped me learn that I need to set goals/"New Years-type resolutions"/subtle but doable changes to my life/life-style, something to live for and work towards, but also how to break those goals down step-by-step to make them less overwhelming and more achievable and to start with short - term goals, those you can accomplish in 6 months, but in the back of your mind a bigger goal, that the smaller goals will help you work towards. Other than my health and working in me in particular, I want to be a better friend/family member and stay in better touch with people instead of withdrawing inside myself and not dealing with things, I want to be self-sufficient- be able to find my own place that I can afford or work towards being in a place financially and physically where I am able to find an apt and live on my own again, and work on being ok with living and being alone, not let the loneliness pull me down, that is fairly decent and find a way to hopefully being disabled like having someone come in and help with some if the cleaning, as pain makes household chores difficult as is cooking, find a way to meet people and friends my age- it's hard when people can't always relate to me and everything I have gone through when they are living the dream I envisioned got myself, but regardless, I want to try to make and maintain friendships in town, meeting people somehow, just to get out and socialize. I miss having friendships with amazing women like I have had in the past and most recently in NC. I need to think about trying to move forward with my life, as it's been on hold since losing Aaron- I think it will be tough, I don't know that I'm ready- I am just lonely and miss having that emotional intimacy with someone, but I know he didn't want me to be alone and he wants me to be happy, but it's an absolutely terrifying thought, so that may be put on hold, especially until I figure out who I am and learn to love me/myself as I am, as I am very shy and insecure about myself. I can't imagine finding someone like Aaron again or finding that kind of love again, as I was lucky to find it once, but you never know. I am not ready or at that point yet where I am even ready to meet someone,   I miss and love Aaron so much it hurts, he loved me unconditionally, all of me, even the parts of me I hate or am very insecure about, especially my physical appearance, especially where I used to be thin, fit and confident about myself until I got sick, lost the ability to be so active and medications causing massive weight gain in such a short time frame, so I'm so subconscious about my weight and looks, not knowing how anyone, especially Aaron, for that matter thought I was beautiful just the way I was and who wants someone overweight and sick- having an illness is a huge burden to put on someone, as the illness affects the entire family and everyone you care about and who cares about you. Why would a man want to take that on, someone who physically is unable to work or be Miss Suzy homemaker. See what I mean about finding out who I am and about needing to learn to love myself, especially before I can even expect or am able to find someone to love me. Anyway, goals, goals, goals...  Just need to work on me, that's the biggest one and then self- sufficiency/independence/going back to living on my own.  I'm 29, it's time- I will be 30 in a year and definitely want things to change before then. 

To work on my health, other than my Ketsmine infusions, which are such a blessing and I truly believe a gift from Aaron, making a bunch/a series  of "coincidences" occur that led to getting Ketamine a Infusions and some wonderful doctors from the wonderful doctors in New Hampshire to my new amazing neurologist in a Brunswick. It's a few too many coincidences that happened and I don't believe in that many coincidences, it's something else and focusing on my health and getting wonderful opportunities and wonderful doctors who are working diligently on my "case" to help me feel better, and I think that was a gift from Aaron, telling me it was my time/turn to focus on my health after years of trying to keep Aaron healthy and his health being our main focus. I think he wanted to make up for the horrendous pain dr in NC who under treated my RSD/CRPS so much that he made the disease worse, though that wasn't his fault.  So now I am working with my neurologist in Brunswick, who by the way is AMAZING- she believes in the mind-body approach and we can harness the power of our minds to heal our bodies and in alternative treatments, not in band aids to mask symptoms, but in fixing the underlying problem if possible, as she has said modem medicine has failed me for the most part, which is pretty true, and using daily meditations when I first wake up every day started at 3 minutes and now working towards 5 mins w/an ultimate goal of 15-20 minutes max, to hopefully reprogram my nervous system, calming down the sympathetic nervous system, which is responsible for my RSD/CRPS, and it keeps my body in a constant fight or flight mode that most people only experience during an adrenaline rush/in an emergency, but my body is constantly stuck in that state, causing many issues like extreme fatigue (she basically said I gave an energy crisis on my body), dysfunction of my autonomic nervous system and pain, etc. We are hopeful that the meditations will help "awaken" my parasympathetic nervous system, which is more calming and relaxing, the opposite of fight or flight and return my body to that natural state of calm and out of that fight or flight mode. 

We are also doing  a Food Allergy Elimination Diet, which just plain sucks right now, but it's one by a Dr. Alan Gaby which is quite strict. I'm on day 3 of 21 (well it will be longer than that since the re-introduction if foods can take a while), and just taking it a day at a time, as my Dr. said. "You can do anything for one day, and tomorrow, when you get there, you can do anything for that one day." Sound advice. The food withdrawal for the first few days are the toughest. So many people think that food allergies/sensitivities only cause one if two things- 1. GI- Gastrointestinal issues, w/stomach/intestinal issues or 2. In the form of anaphylaxis, with rash, hives, swelling, throat swelling making breathing difficult, but there are many subtle/"hidden" things good sensitivities/intolerances/allergies such as: fatigue; anxiety; depression; insomnia; food cravings (the foods you crave, unless pregnant, are usually the foods that will be problematic for you); obesity; recurrent/susceptibility to infections- i.e. Frequent colds, sore throats, UTIs,ear infections, etc.; chronic nasal and chest congestion; postnatal drip; fluid in ears/inner ear issues and vertigo; GI/stomach issues; high blood pressure; heart arrhythmias; angina/chest pains; acne; eczema; psoriasis; canker sores; hives; muscle aches; osteoarthritis; rheumatoid arthritis; joint pain; inflammation; migraines and other headaches; numbness; asthma; and many other things most people would never associate with food allergies/sensitivities. We are trying to figure out if good may be playing any role in some of my health issues, especially since so many good allergies/sensitivities run rampant on both sides of my family, with gluten/Celiac Disease being the #1 food issue in my family. So for 3 weeks no soy, dairy, wheat/gluten, corn, nuts, eggs, chocolate, citrus fruits, bananas, dried fruit, coffee, tea, caffeine, yeast, refined sugars (can only have up to 3tsp a day total of honey and/or maple syrup), artificial sweeteners (which I can't have anyway as it's one of my biggest migraine triggers- almost an instantaneous migraine especially with aspartame), nothing with sulfites, food additives, tomatoes and other members if the "nightshade" family-tomatoes, peppers of any kind, white potatoes, eggplant, paprika, cayenne, and tobacco- the tobacco certainly is NOT something I've ever had or want to have, no garlic, onions, mushrooms, no non-organic grapes, all allowed juice is to be diluted 50:50 juice to water, any foods I crave or gave questions about even if on the "ok to eat list" or anything I eat 3 or more times a week as eating the same thing often, the increased exposure to a food can over time cause your body to become sensitive/allergic to the food and many other things. So many foods contain hidden ingredients that I can't have so it's tough. One day at a time and see if we can identify any food issues- we know that this won't fix or solve everything but it may help with some of the health issues I deal with if we identify and eliminate a possible food trigger/allergy/sensitivity. It will be worth it in the end when we know for sure one way or the other! Just keep thinking that and that I can do anything for ONE day! Once the withdrawal symptoms, hunger, fatigue, cravings and horrendous headaches calm down after I'm done detoxing, I should feel MUCH, MUCH better and this will get easier and not so overwhelming. The first 3-5 days are the toughest. Pone step, one day at a time! Here's to a new year with hopefully improved health, and maybe it will break my habit of eating only in the late afternoon into the night- I can go almost all day without eating but in the evening is when I make up for it, which is horrible, do I am hoping eating small frequent meals throughout the day will help break that cycle, which may help weight-wise, too, even though this diet has nothing to do with weight, instead it's all about finding food "triggers"/allergies/sensitivities, etc. 

So those are my eventual goals for the year to come. I'm turning the page to what is a new chapter in my life. My life and what I make if it/with it is mostly on my hands. I can control my life and destiny- it may not be or look like the life I framed of/imagined, but it's still a life to live, and every second of everyday, every single breath you take, counts, you have to make the most if it, take care of yourself and those you love and always tell people how you feel about them, if you love them, what they mean to you, whether a friend, family member, parent, sibling, spouse, child, etc., as you never know when life gets in the way or things happen, as we have such a short time together. You never know if it's the last chance you have to tell someone you love them- I know that first-hand. You don't want regrets or the " what-ifs." Embrace life, those around you and most importantly life. Aaron, Lori, Bobby, Amber, etc. taught me that and that life is fleeting. Now I just need to truly  "LIVE" it!

Happy New Year, everyone!  So despite my thoughts above, take advantage of that new year, that new chapter, that fresh new blank page, that clean slate and remember to always be true to yourself. 

Update: Kellie's First Ketamine Infusion

Hey everyone!

This is Kellie's friend Christy. I spoke with Kellie on the phone tonight, and I wanted to give you all an update on how her first day of treatment went.

She received a PICC line this morning. PICC stands for Peripherally Inserted Central Catheter. It is a line (catheter) that is inserted in the arm, and it ends near the heart. It is used for long-term IV infusions. It wasn't easy for them to locate a vein, but they used ultrasound to find one, and a radiologist inserted it. It isn't in the best of places (inside her right arm), but she's just happy that it is in, and they were able to get it on the first try. She has some soreness tonight from the insertion, but it's not too bad.

After a failed first attempt at sedating her for the Ketamine infusion, the second time was a charm. She had to get a lot of pre-meds before the infusion including Tylenol, Versed, Ativan, and Clonidine to protect her heart, blood pressure and central nervous system and also to stop her heart rate and blood pressure from increasing. They actually had someone come and perform Reiki on her, and with that, in addition to the medications, she was able to sleep for most of the infusion. 

They started out today giving her 80 mg of Ketamine. The reason they want you sedated during the infusion is because it can increase heart rate, blood pressure, and induce anxiety. Sedatives will prevent a patient from fighting the infusion, therefore allowing the infusion to do its job.

Other than some nausea immediately after and a small headache this evening, Kellie did great with her first infusion. She will get 100 mg tomorrow, and she will work her way up to the full 200 mg. Results from Ketamine, ie. a reduction in overall pain from RSD/CRPS, differs with each patient, but she could start to see results as early as the end of this week!!!

There are many known side effects to Ketamine infusions, so hopefully today is an indicator that her body is going to accept it, and that she will be able to continue treatment. I will update when I hear from her again.

Christy

Ketamine Infusions

Just wanted to let everyone know that I am under going an experimental treatment for the chronic pain disorder I have. I will try to update here and on facebook as time goes on/during the treatments, so check here and on my facebook page. My friend, Christy, will either post updates here or here and facebook, so stop in a check out my blog if you want an update. It won't be everyday, and over the weekend, when I'm home between my 10 days of treatments, I'll try to go into more detail about the Ketamine, how it all works, if it's helping, etc. I do want to chronicle my journey in hopes that it may help someone else, and it will help me see how much it's helping/working. 

Remember, if you want to know how things are going, check here or my facebook page (if Christy updates my facebook page, she'll be doing it under her own name so it won't necessarily show up in your news feed, unless she tags me in the post). Promise I'll give more details soon, but just wanted to let you all know where you can find updates if you are interested. I won't have a computer with me, but I gave my iPod Touch, so I can do some things if I'm not too fuzzy from the medications/infusions. Thanks everyone for the love and support! It means a lot, especially since I am so nervous. I have a lot riding on this, as this is the last treatment I haven't really tried (well I tried it but not using proper protocol, so there were no real results from it), otherwise, I've run out of options, so keeping my fingers crossed! 

Hope everyone has a good week!

Kellie

Steins for Sterling: Pub Crawl to Benefit The Aaron T. Sterling Memorial Scholarship Fund

Posted this on facebook once before but wanted to post this again in both places- facebook AND blog in case people hadn't seen it or wanted to support it. This event has been set-up as a way to celebrate Aaron's life and continue his legacy he wanted to start after he passed away. He wanted us to create a memorial scholarship fund in his name. This event will be to raise money for the scholarship fund itself so that Aaron's dream, wish, name, memory and legacy will live on. He wanted the scholarship to be something given out year after year, and by raising money for this event, it will definitely help! Two "sisters" of Aaron came up with and have organized this amazing event- a pub crawl in the Portland Old Port (Maine) on July 14th! Check the website below for more information. Registration for the event is $20 and I believe most if not all of that money will go straight to the scholarship fund. Even if you can't attend the event but want to help out and donate to the fund you can also do that on the website below- if not contact me and I'll give you the information.

It should be a wonderful and fun day filled with many friends and people whom Aaron touched in his short but vibrant life as well as with beer (how appropriate!). He made friends easier wherever he went, so I know he would love that all of his family, "family," friends and possibly acquaintances that loved Aaron. He would love that we are celebrating and raising money for his fund by coming together to do it. Anyway- we'd love to see you all there (family, family friends, friends of Aaron, his fraternity brothers/UMaine/Student Government friends that are in the area, even those who may not know Aaron well, if you want to participate in the pub crawl for a good cause, please feel free to come! We'd love to have you all. Here is the website with more info:

http://steinsforsterling.wordpress.com/

Aaron's 31st Birthday Today/The Long Grieving Process

I know I haven't written lately. I have a lot on my mind and a lot of thoughts I want to get down on paper. I was going to post this on Aaron's facebook wall, but it was so long, that I figured I would make it a blog post. Just some thoughts and reflections about what was going on a year ago today/July 6th. So much has happened, yet in some ways I am grieving as much, if not more than I was when I lost Aaron. I want to do another post soon just discussing everything that has gone on and my thoughts. Anyway, today would have been Aaron's 31st birthday.....

Hard to believe that tomorrow you would be 31. Taken from us way too early. You have been on my mind all week (you are daily, but even more so this week with the 4th of July (which you loved and reminisced about the 2-3 years we sat on our deck and watched  people set them off, like a private show. I miss those things. I miss sharing them with you) and then tomorrow's your birthday. Wish I could have given you a better party like I was planning (you wanted to celebrate your 30th birthday so badly (you liked celebrating every year, but last year was different. It was the big 3-0, a MAJOR milestone, and maybe you knew you didn't have much time left. You made it impossible to plan a surprise, and I so badly wanted to get everyone together and go roller skating/roller blading from your 30th, something you talked about for the longest time). Instead of the big party, which i was going to do when you got better, we had a wonderful birthday party for you in the Duke cafeteria. Minus a few people key people, you were definitely surrounded by people who had a lot of love for you. You were surrounded by the best friends you could ask for, whom had become like family to us. We had our hats and the incredibly decadent and delicious Black Forest Cake from Mad Hatters.

I also know that with your birthday coming up, I'll start remembering all the craziness that happened a few days later, after your open lung biopsy, as you got sicker and sicker with no answers, not knowing what to treat or how to treat what was going on, or even what was going on before that being in the hospital for 6 weeks and then two weeks after coming home, you were there another 3 before passing away. I'm glad you had that day, though not very elaborate, but memorable, seeing everyone  and catching up one last time for most people that were there. I know from then on, things got bad, you got sicker, we almost lost you in July, and I had hopes of you pulling through.

When you came home, those two weeks meant the world to me, and was what we both needed. Time to be together, hold each other and talk. July had scared us both and we were hanging on to each other for dear life. I am dreading our anniversary, because that was the day I truly lost you. I Sure you were with us for another 3 weeks, but you weren't really "with" us. The 9th at 4AM I was pretty much saying goodbye, though I didn't know it yet. I clung to you, and you told me to be strong and brave, that you were going to fight this and be fine. Unfortunately that wasn't the case, but I remember kissing you before they kicked me out of your room, holding on to you with my arms wrapped tightly around you, not wanting to let go, wondering if this was it. I had never seen you so sick. We got to say happy anniversary but never swapped cards. We both had them and you had discussed it a few days early but said we'd wait and you never got a chance to open my card and read the words I wrote to you straight from my heart after everything we had gone through in June and July, things I wanted you to know and hear, how I felt about you and almost losing you, and my thoughts and deepest feelings I had for you, and how it made me realize (the vent incident in July) that I loved you and what we had more than I had ever realized, if that makes sense. I felt like I was taking our relationship forgranted, thinking you'd always be there. It was the first time I thought, what am I going to do if you don't pull through? I opened your card one night when you and I both were having a rough night and struggling and it was such a beautiful card. You were never one for buying me or anyone for that matter sappy, mushy, romantic cards, (they were usually funny and cute), but for some reason, you got the perfect, romantic card with the perfect message. As painful as it was to open, and having tears sliding down my face, it was what I needed right then and there.

 The next 2 months are going to be very difficult. I can't believe you have been gone for 10 months now, at times it feels like it's been years and years. I am still grieving and will be for a long time to come. It just breaks my heart. I have never felt so lonely or lost, losing not only my husband and soulmate, but my best friend. I could tell him anything, and with just a hug or wiping away my tears, you were my rock, we both hid our internal turmoil and fears about losing you to protect each other. It's not fair that you had to lose your battle so young, but I know you are watching over us all, though now you have others up there with you, also taken so soon. I know you guys are watching over some friends who could desperately use the extra strength and someone watching over them right now.

I'm still trying to figure out how to move on/forward without you, but at times it's like walking blind and often into a wall. It's hard figuring out who I am, when we've always been Kellie and Aaron, since I was 18 and you were 22 I believe. Trying to figure out how to make us and we become me and I. Anyway, I'll stop rambling. Just been a tough, tough year, with more tough days ahead. I miss you more every single day, and my heart still aches, while tears still fall down my cheeks, but I also have so many wonderful and happy memories or us to make me laugh and smile- 8-10+ years of them. I just miss having you to share my life with, miss having you to talk to about anything and everything- we never, ever ran out of things to say, sharing experiences, having political discussions or anything controversial, where we could be on the same page and side, but you'd always play devil's advocate trying to make me think and put together a strong argument, watching many medial shows and talking about them or other shows we watched, discussing the future, dreaming of those days, watching our nephew grow up, just having someone you/I could depend on and trust completely, who knew how to help the pain in  my heart, and I miss your half-smile and your expressive eyes that told me that I was the only one for you and that you loved me, making me feel like the luckiest girl in the world, the only woman in the world sometimes, and you made me feel beautiful not matter what I thought in my head, brining so much laughter, happiness and joy into my life, which is often missing now. The one person you turn to when something like this happens is your spouse, but what do you do when it's your spouse that is gone? I know eventually I will figure it out, but regardless I will ALWAYS love you, no matter what or how much time passes. I know you want me to be happy, but I have a long way to go in the grieving process. Right now I have a lot of anger and some bitterness (not towards you or anyone in particular) just the situation and life in general. I'm trying to find the good amongst the bad, as you always did.

I love you with al my heart and soul and miss you so incredibly much, I miss you more with each passing day, knowing that it's another day past the the day we lost you.

Happy 31st Birthday, my love. ♥

P.S. Sending love and thoughts to my mother-in-law who is stuck in bed, forbidden to get up except for a few exceptions, with her foot extremely elevated after having surgery on her ankle on Monday. She unfortunately will be stuck like that for two weeks, and then will go from there! I know she (and my father-in-law) could use some extra love, support and thoughts right now with her ankle and with it being Aaron's birthday. <3

A Quick Update on Me and How I Am Doing 7 Months Later

This is just a quick update on how I am doing, I'll write a more detailed one later that includes stuff on my RSD and pain management. I know a lot of you have been asking and I haven't been great at responding and staying in touch. Sometimes, I just can't talk about it, and knowing if I got on the phone and tried to talk about it, that I would be an absolute mess. Depression and everything with my RSD and new meds have also made me very fatigued with little energy and a lot of apathy, and due to that sometimes I put off responding. I also am not sure what to give as an answer. When someone asks, do they want the whole sometimes horrible long truth and story, or just say that I am ok? Maybe I'll just say, I'm taking things one day at a time, and that some days are better than others. Some days the pain seems so fresh and deep, where the smallest thing can bring on the tears and the flood of emotions. Some days I can smile and laugh. Sometimes explaining it would be tough, because I don't always understand or realize what's going on and how I am doing and feeling. I can tell you that many days I am NOT ok. Losing the love of your life, your best friend and soulmate, someone who knew everything about you, even your flaws and deepest secrets and still loved you for you, isn't easy. If you would have asked me 8 years ago if I was going to be a widow a the age of 26, I would have said you were crazy. If you never have experienced the loss of someone so close before, you think the cliche of "Time Heals or Lessens All Wounds" is true, but once you have been in my shoes, you know that it's not true. Seven months later, it doesn't hurt any less, and sometimes it hurts more, now that the shock and craziness has worn off.
Due to pain issues and medication side-effects it's hard to get out and do much, and keep busy. I am definitely struggling with a lot of depression (due mostly to losing Aaron, but also due to RSD, not really having many people around here to get me out of the house, having my life suddenly uprooted and leaving the closest and best friends a girl could ever ask for), but when you spend 8 years of your life with someone and were as close as A and I were (we had a special relationship, a deep unconditional love, a solid foundation of friendship, and experienced more together in 8 years that most people go through together in a lifetime, and that there strengthened our relationship and made it stronger than ever), especially the 3 years in NC, you don't just get over it, and there is no timeline on when you should be done grieving. A lot happened around the time Aaron passed away- uprooting my life, and leaving behind my closest friends, whom I miss dearly, having to move back home and in with my parents, finding out that my RSD had gone systemic/full body, and other things I won't get into. Sometimes I feel like more like a burden than anything else- like I am existing in life and not living and being an active participant in life, like Aaron would want me to be, but with the depression and not having a lot of independence it's hard. I know I have the power to change it, but figuring out how to go about doing that is tough. I had no idea that depression could cause severe and almost debilitating fatigue at times, that it's tough to do or want to do anything at all. I know I haven't been the best about getting back to people and staying in touch. I tend to internalize and isolate, which isn't the best way of coping, but the best way I know how right now. I think I do it as a self-protection and self-preservation mechanism to avoid more pain, but instead it probably does the opposite. It's still hard to talk about, and I feel like a lot of people expect me to have "gotten over it" by now, or just snap out of the depression, but it doesn't work like that. Unless you've been there it's hard to understand. I miss my best friend, and I still cry often. Everyday is hard- some days, more-so than others. It's hard trying to figure out how to move on and move forward without that person. I miss hearing Aaron's voice, and I miss our discussions and his opinions on everything. I miss sharing good and bad moments with him. I am trying to figure out how to define my life without him in it. My lie was tied into and revolved around his so much for 8 years, that it's hard to figure out who you are on your own. Aaron coming into my life was a huge blessing and I am better for it, but it's hard to try to figure out the meaning behind having him taken so young and way too early. I have no anger, just sorrow. I see him in my dreams often, but usually he is just out of reach. I know the grieving process is long and hard and I will be going through it for a long time, yet. I know over time part of me will start to heal some, but there will always be a hole and a spot in my heart and mind where Aaron belongs.

Anyway, hope some of that made sense. I know a lot of you have been asking and been concerned and I just am not great at answering and responding. I don't know what to say, and sometimes I really do need and want to talk about it with someone, but don't know how to go about doing that, especially knowing I will be an emotional mess through the conversation. I apologize for shutting people out, and I apologize in advance if I still have short-comings in that department in the future. I really need my friends and family more than anything right now, instead of shutting them out and isolating myself. I hope you will all forgive me for that. Sometimes just getting through a day is about all I can do, and don't have much left to offer of myself, but it's something I need to work on- just like I need to work on being happy. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other.I truly have been a horrible friend, and want the chance to mend some of those bridges/friendships again, especially with my NC "family." I want to know how everyone is doing and I want to hear all of your happy news and excitement, as well as the things that aren't going well. I don't want to be treated differently because of what I am going through. You can complain to me about something all you want, and I will gladly listen. I just miss my friends and being able to talk about everything more than anything.

Sorry for the kind of doom and gloom update. I am exhausted and it's late, so hopefully I didn't ramble too much, or speak gibberish. I hope it was coherent and made sense. I just wanted to be honest and let you all know how I was REALLY doing, and not just say "I'm great," since that really isn't the truth. Having your body hold you back from doing much and getting out, makes  it harder to get my mind off things, and I end up dwelling on them, making the depression and this viscous cycle worse. I am not putting this out there for pity, sympathy or anything else of that nature. I am not feeling sorry for myself, I just wanted to be honest and let those of you know, especially everyone who has asked me or others and have been wondering, exactly how I am doing, and I didn't want to be dishonest or sugar coat it. Losing the love of your life at 26 is tough, but if I had a do-over and knew that I would only have Aaron for 8 short years, I would choose Aaron and those 8 years again in a heartbeat, without any doubt or hesitation. How he touched my life in those 8 years is immeasurable, and I am grateful that he chose me to be his wife. I loved him so much, and I still do know. I just have hope that he is up there watching down on us, protecting us, and making sure we are ok, and he's in a place where his lungs are no longer holding him back.

Anyway, I hope you all please try to stay in touch, and I will try to do better on my end.  I hope I didn't upset anyone with this post, just wanted to be honest. This journey is hard and long, but in time I will get through it, but right now I need time and I need to grieve. Thank you to everyone for your friendship, love, thoughts and prayers. They and all of you mean so much to me, even if I don't always tell you or acknowledge it.


--Kel

P.S. I'll have a more thorough update on the last 7 months and my health in another post later on, but I figured this was a good place to start. Also, feel free to comment below or message me if you want, or have any further questions.

P.P.S. Starting to finalize plans and details for Aaron's Scholarship Fund in the next few weeks. It will be a great legacy and we are grateful to everyone who has donated thus far and whom have expressed interest in donating yearly to keep the fund going. Without all of you, we wouldn't have been able to accomplish something Aaron laid out in his last wishes.