Hey everyone!
This is Kellie's friend Christy. I spoke with Kellie on the phone tonight, and I wanted to give you all an update on how her first day of treatment went.
She received a PICC line this morning. PICC stands for Peripherally Inserted Central Catheter. It is a line (catheter) that is inserted in the arm, and it ends near the heart. It is used for long-term IV infusions. It wasn't easy for them to locate a vein, but they used ultrasound to find one, and a radiologist inserted it. It isn't in the best of places (inside her right arm), but she's just happy that it is in, and they were able to get it on the first try. She has some soreness tonight from the insertion, but it's not too bad.
After a failed first attempt at sedating her for the Ketamine infusion, the second time was a charm. She had to get a lot of pre-meds before the infusion including Tylenol, Versed, Ativan, and Clonidine to protect her heart, blood pressure and central nervous system and also to stop her heart rate and blood pressure from increasing. They actually had someone come and perform Reiki on her, and with that, in addition to the medications, she was able to sleep for most of the infusion.
They started out today giving her 80 mg of Ketamine. The reason they want you sedated during the infusion is because it can increase heart rate, blood pressure, and induce anxiety. Sedatives will prevent a patient from fighting the infusion, therefore allowing the infusion to do its job.
Other than some nausea immediately after and a small headache this evening, Kellie did great with her first infusion. She will get 100 mg tomorrow, and she will work her way up to the full 200 mg. Results from Ketamine, ie. a reduction in overall pain from RSD/CRPS, differs with each patient, but she could start to see results as early as the end of this week!!!
There are many known side effects to Ketamine infusions, so hopefully today is an indicator that her body is going to accept it, and that she will be able to continue treatment. I will update when I hear from her again.
Christy
Monday, October 1, 2012
Ketamine Infusions
Just wanted to let everyone know that I am under going an experimental treatment for the chronic pain disorder I have. I will try to update here and on facebook as time goes on/during the treatments, so check here and on my facebook page. My friend, Christy, will either post updates here or here and facebook, so stop in a check out my blog if you want an update. It won't be everyday, and over the weekend, when I'm home between my 10 days of treatments, I'll try to go into more detail about the Ketamine, how it all works, if it's helping, etc. I do want to chronicle my journey in hopes that it may help someone else, and it will help me see how much it's helping/working.
Remember, if you want to know how things are going, check here or my facebook page (if Christy updates my facebook page, she'll be doing it under her own name so it won't necessarily show up in your news feed, unless she tags me in the post). Promise I'll give more details soon, but just wanted to let you all know where you can find updates if you are interested. I won't have a computer with me, but I gave my iPod Touch, so I can do some things if I'm not too fuzzy from the medications/infusions. Thanks everyone for the love and support! It means a lot, especially since I am so nervous. I have a lot riding on this, as this is the last treatment I haven't really tried (well I tried it but not using proper protocol, so there were no real results from it), otherwise, I've run out of options, so keeping my fingers crossed!
Hope everyone has a good week!
Kellie
Remember, if you want to know how things are going, check here or my facebook page (if Christy updates my facebook page, she'll be doing it under her own name so it won't necessarily show up in your news feed, unless she tags me in the post). Promise I'll give more details soon, but just wanted to let you all know where you can find updates if you are interested. I won't have a computer with me, but I gave my iPod Touch, so I can do some things if I'm not too fuzzy from the medications/infusions. Thanks everyone for the love and support! It means a lot, especially since I am so nervous. I have a lot riding on this, as this is the last treatment I haven't really tried (well I tried it but not using proper protocol, so there were no real results from it), otherwise, I've run out of options, so keeping my fingers crossed!
Hope everyone has a good week!
Kellie
Friday, July 6, 2012
Steins for Sterling: Pub Crawl to Benefit The Aaron T. Sterling Memorial Scholarship Fund
Posted this on facebook once before but wanted to post this again in both places- facebook AND blog in case people hadn't seen it or wanted to support it. This event has been set-up as a way to celebrate Aaron's life and continue his legacy he wanted to start after he passed away. He wanted us to create a memorial scholarship fund in his name. This event will be to raise money for the scholarship fund itself so that Aaron's dream, wish, name, memory and legacy will live on. He wanted the scholarship to be something given out year after year, and by raising money for this event, it will definitely help! Two "sisters" of Aaron came up with and have organized this amazing event- a pub crawl in the Portland Old Port (Maine) on July 14th! Check the website below for more information. Registration for the event is $20 and I believe most if not all of that money will go straight to the scholarship fund. Even if you can't attend the event but want to help out and donate to the fund you can also do that on the website below- if not contact me and I'll give you the information.
It should be a wonderful and fun day filled with many friends and people whom Aaron touched in his short but vibrant life as well as with beer (how appropriate!). He made friends easier wherever he went, so I know he would love that all of his family, "family," friends and possibly acquaintances that loved Aaron. He would love that we are celebrating and raising money for his fund by coming together to do it. Anyway- we'd love to see you all there (family, family friends, friends of Aaron, his fraternity brothers/UMaine/Student Government friends that are in the area, even those who may not know Aaron well, if you want to participate in the pub crawl for a good cause, please feel free to come! We'd love to have you all. Here is the website with more info:
http://steinsforsterling.wordpress.com/
Aaron's 31st Birthday Today/The Long Grieving Process
Hard to believe that tomorrow you would be 31. Taken from us way too early. You have been on my mind all week (you are daily, but even more so this week with the 4th of July (which you loved and reminisced about the 2-3 years we sat on our deck and watched people set them off, like a private show. I miss those things. I miss sharing them with you) and then tomorrow's your birthday. Wish I could have given you a better party like I was planning (you wanted to celebrate your 30th birthday so badly (you liked celebrating every year, but last year was different. It was the big 3-0, a MAJOR milestone, and maybe you knew you didn't have much time left. You made it impossible to plan a surprise, and I so badly wanted to get everyone together and go roller skating/roller blading from your 30th, something you talked about for the longest time). Instead of the big party, which i was going to do when you got better, we had a wonderful birthday party for you in the Duke cafeteria. Minus a few people key people, you were definitely surrounded by people who had a lot of love for you. You were surrounded by the best friends you could ask for, whom had become like family to us. We had our hats and the incredibly decadent and delicious Black Forest Cake from Mad Hatters.
I also know that with your birthday coming up, I'll start remembering all the craziness that happened a few days later, after your open lung biopsy, as you got sicker and sicker with no answers, not knowing what to treat or how to treat what was going on, or even what was going on before that being in the hospital for 6 weeks and then two weeks after coming home, you were there another 3 before passing away. I'm glad you had that day, though not very elaborate, but memorable, seeing everyone and catching up one last time for most people that were there. I know from then on, things got bad, you got sicker, we almost lost you in July, and I had hopes of you pulling through.
When you came home, those two weeks meant the world to me, and was what we both needed. Time to be together, hold each other and talk. July had scared us both and we were hanging on to each other for dear life. I am dreading our anniversary, because that was the day I truly lost you. I Sure you were with us for another 3 weeks, but you weren't really "with" us. The 9th at 4AM I was pretty much saying goodbye, though I didn't know it yet. I clung to you, and you told me to be strong and brave, that you were going to fight this and be fine. Unfortunately that wasn't the case, but I remember kissing you before they kicked me out of your room, holding on to you with my arms wrapped tightly around you, not wanting to let go, wondering if this was it. I had never seen you so sick. We got to say happy anniversary but never swapped cards. We both had them and you had discussed it a few days early but said we'd wait and you never got a chance to open my card and read the words I wrote to you straight from my heart after everything we had gone through in June and July, things I wanted you to know and hear, how I felt about you and almost losing you, and my thoughts and deepest feelings I had for you, and how it made me realize (the vent incident in July) that I loved you and what we had more than I had ever realized, if that makes sense. I felt like I was taking our relationship forgranted, thinking you'd always be there. It was the first time I thought, what am I going to do if you don't pull through? I opened your card one night when you and I both were having a rough night and struggling and it was such a beautiful card. You were never one for buying me or anyone for that matter sappy, mushy, romantic cards, (they were usually funny and cute), but for some reason, you got the perfect, romantic card with the perfect message. As painful as it was to open, and having tears sliding down my face, it was what I needed right then and there.
The next 2 months are going to be very difficult. I can't believe you have been gone for 10 months now, at times it feels like it's been years and years. I am still grieving and will be for a long time to come. It just breaks my heart. I have never felt so lonely or lost, losing not only my husband and soulmate, but my best friend. I could tell him anything, and with just a hug or wiping away my tears, you were my rock, we both hid our internal turmoil and fears about losing you to protect each other. It's not fair that you had to lose your battle so young, but I know you are watching over us all, though now you have others up there with you, also taken so soon. I know you guys are watching over some friends who could desperately use the extra strength and someone watching over them right now.
I'm still trying to figure out how to move on/forward without you, but at times it's like walking blind and often into a wall. It's hard figuring out who I am, when we've always been Kellie and Aaron, since I was 18 and you were 22 I believe. Trying to figure out how to make us and we become me and I. Anyway, I'll stop rambling. Just been a tough, tough year, with more tough days ahead. I miss you more every single day, and my heart still aches, while tears still fall down my cheeks, but I also have so many wonderful and happy memories or us to make me laugh and smile- 8-10+ years of them. I just miss having you to share my life with, miss having you to talk to about anything and everything- we never, ever ran out of things to say, sharing experiences, having political discussions or anything controversial, where we could be on the same page and side, but you'd always play devil's advocate trying to make me think and put together a strong argument, watching many medial shows and talking about them or other shows we watched, discussing the future, dreaming of those days, watching our nephew grow up, just having someone you/I could depend on and trust completely, who knew how to help the pain in my heart, and I miss your half-smile and your expressive eyes that told me that I was the only one for you and that you loved me, making me feel like the luckiest girl in the world, the only woman in the world sometimes, and you made me feel beautiful not matter what I thought in my head, brining so much laughter, happiness and joy into my life, which is often missing now. The one person you turn to when something like this happens is your spouse, but what do you do when it's your spouse that is gone? I know eventually I will figure it out, but regardless I will ALWAYS love you, no matter what or how much time passes. I know you want me to be happy, but I have a long way to go in the grieving process. Right now I have a lot of anger and some bitterness (not towards you or anyone in particular) just the situation and life in general. I'm trying to find the good amongst the bad, as you always did.
I love you with al my heart and soul and miss you so incredibly much, I miss you more with each passing day, knowing that it's another day past the the day we lost you.
Happy 31st Birthday, my love. ♥
P.S. Sending love and thoughts to my mother-in-law who is stuck in bed, forbidden to get up except for a few exceptions, with her foot extremely elevated after having surgery on her ankle on Monday. She unfortunately will be stuck like that for two weeks, and then will go from there! I know she (and my father-in-law) could use some extra love, support and thoughts right now with her ankle and with it being Aaron's birthday. <3
Thursday, March 29, 2012
A Quick Update on Me and How I Am Doing 7 Months Later
This is just a quick update on how I am doing, I'll write a more detailed one later that includes stuff on my RSD and pain management. I know a lot of you have been asking and I haven't been great at responding and staying in touch. Sometimes, I just can't talk about it, and knowing if I got on the phone and tried to talk about it, that I would be an absolute mess. Depression and everything with my RSD and new meds have also made me very fatigued with little energy and a lot of apathy, and due to that sometimes I put off responding. I also am not sure what to give as an answer. When someone asks, do they want the whole sometimes horrible long truth and story, or just say that I am ok? Maybe I'll just say, I'm taking things one day at a time, and that some days are better than others. Some days the pain seems so fresh and deep, where the smallest thing can bring on the tears and the flood of emotions. Some days I can smile and laugh. Sometimes explaining it would be tough, because I don't always understand or realize what's going on and how I am doing and feeling. I can tell you that many days I am NOT ok. Losing the love of your life, your best friend and soulmate, someone who knew everything about you, even your flaws and deepest secrets and still loved you for you, isn't easy. If you would have asked me 8 years ago if I was going to be a widow a the age of 26, I would have said you were crazy. If you never have experienced the loss of someone so close before, you think the cliche of "Time Heals or Lessens All Wounds" is true, but once you have been in my shoes, you know that it's not true. Seven months later, it doesn't hurt any less, and sometimes it hurts more, now that the shock and craziness has worn off.
Due to pain issues and medication side-effects it's hard to get out and do much, and keep busy. I am definitely struggling with a lot of depression (due mostly to losing Aaron, but also due to RSD, not really having many people around here to get me out of the house, having my life suddenly uprooted and leaving the closest and best friends a girl could ever ask for), but when you spend 8 years of your life with someone and were as close as A and I were (we had a special relationship, a deep unconditional love, a solid foundation of friendship, and experienced more together in 8 years that most people go through together in a lifetime, and that there strengthened our relationship and made it stronger than ever), especially the 3 years in NC, you don't just get over it, and there is no timeline on when you should be done grieving. A lot happened around the time Aaron passed away- uprooting my life, and leaving behind my closest friends, whom I miss dearly, having to move back home and in with my parents, finding out that my RSD had gone systemic/full body, and other things I won't get into. Sometimes I feel like more like a burden than anything else- like I am existing in life and not living and being an active participant in life, like Aaron would want me to be, but with the depression and not having a lot of independence it's hard. I know I have the power to change it, but figuring out how to go about doing that is tough. I had no idea that depression could cause severe and almost debilitating fatigue at times, that it's tough to do or want to do anything at all. I know I haven't been the best about getting back to people and staying in touch. I tend to internalize and isolate, which isn't the best way of coping, but the best way I know how right now. I think I do it as a self-protection and self-preservation mechanism to avoid more pain, but instead it probably does the opposite. It's still hard to talk about, and I feel like a lot of people expect me to have "gotten over it" by now, or just snap out of the depression, but it doesn't work like that. Unless you've been there it's hard to understand. I miss my best friend, and I still cry often. Everyday is hard- some days, more-so than others. It's hard trying to figure out how to move on and move forward without that person. I miss hearing Aaron's voice, and I miss our discussions and his opinions on everything. I miss sharing good and bad moments with him. I am trying to figure out how to define my life without him in it. My lie was tied into and revolved around his so much for 8 years, that it's hard to figure out who you are on your own. Aaron coming into my life was a huge blessing and I am better for it, but it's hard to try to figure out the meaning behind having him taken so young and way too early. I have no anger, just sorrow. I see him in my dreams often, but usually he is just out of reach. I know the grieving process is long and hard and I will be going through it for a long time, yet. I know over time part of me will start to heal some, but there will always be a hole and a spot in my heart and mind where Aaron belongs.
Anyway, hope some of that made sense. I know a lot of you have been asking and been concerned and I just am not great at answering and responding. I don't know what to say, and sometimes I really do need and want to talk about it with someone, but don't know how to go about doing that, especially knowing I will be an emotional mess through the conversation. I apologize for shutting people out, and I apologize in advance if I still have short-comings in that department in the future. I really need my friends and family more than anything right now, instead of shutting them out and isolating myself. I hope you will all forgive me for that. Sometimes just getting through a day is about all I can do, and don't have much left to offer of myself, but it's something I need to work on- just like I need to work on being happy. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other.I truly have been a horrible friend, and want the chance to mend some of those bridges/friendships again, especially with my NC "family." I want to know how everyone is doing and I want to hear all of your happy news and excitement, as well as the things that aren't going well. I don't want to be treated differently because of what I am going through. You can complain to me about something all you want, and I will gladly listen. I just miss my friends and being able to talk about everything more than anything.
Sorry for the kind of doom and gloom update. I am exhausted and it's late, so hopefully I didn't ramble too much, or speak gibberish. I hope it was coherent and made sense. I just wanted to be honest and let you all know how I was REALLY doing, and not just say "I'm great," since that really isn't the truth. Having your body hold you back from doing much and getting out, makes it harder to get my mind off things, and I end up dwelling on them, making the depression and this viscous cycle worse. I am not putting this out there for pity, sympathy or anything else of that nature. I am not feeling sorry for myself, I just wanted to be honest and let those of you know, especially everyone who has asked me or others and have been wondering, exactly how I am doing, and I didn't want to be dishonest or sugar coat it. Losing the love of your life at 26 is tough, but if I had a do-over and knew that I would only have Aaron for 8 short years, I would choose Aaron and those 8 years again in a heartbeat, without any doubt or hesitation. How he touched my life in those 8 years is immeasurable, and I am grateful that he chose me to be his wife. I loved him so much, and I still do know. I just have hope that he is up there watching down on us, protecting us, and making sure we are ok, and he's in a place where his lungs are no longer holding him back.
Anyway, I hope you all please try to stay in touch, and I will try to do better on my end. I hope I didn't upset anyone with this post, just wanted to be honest. This journey is hard and long, but in time I will get through it, but right now I need time and I need to grieve. Thank you to everyone for your friendship, love, thoughts and prayers. They and all of you mean so much to me, even if I don't always tell you or acknowledge it.
--Kel
P.S. I'll have a more thorough update on the last 7 months and my health in another post later on, but I figured this was a good place to start. Also, feel free to comment below or message me if you want, or have any further questions.
P.P.S. Starting to finalize plans and details for Aaron's Scholarship Fund in the next few weeks. It will be a great legacy and we are grateful to everyone who has donated thus far and whom have expressed interest in donating yearly to keep the fund going. Without all of you, we wouldn't have been able to accomplish something Aaron laid out in his last wishes.
Due to pain issues and medication side-effects it's hard to get out and do much, and keep busy. I am definitely struggling with a lot of depression (due mostly to losing Aaron, but also due to RSD, not really having many people around here to get me out of the house, having my life suddenly uprooted and leaving the closest and best friends a girl could ever ask for), but when you spend 8 years of your life with someone and were as close as A and I were (we had a special relationship, a deep unconditional love, a solid foundation of friendship, and experienced more together in 8 years that most people go through together in a lifetime, and that there strengthened our relationship and made it stronger than ever), especially the 3 years in NC, you don't just get over it, and there is no timeline on when you should be done grieving. A lot happened around the time Aaron passed away- uprooting my life, and leaving behind my closest friends, whom I miss dearly, having to move back home and in with my parents, finding out that my RSD had gone systemic/full body, and other things I won't get into. Sometimes I feel like more like a burden than anything else- like I am existing in life and not living and being an active participant in life, like Aaron would want me to be, but with the depression and not having a lot of independence it's hard. I know I have the power to change it, but figuring out how to go about doing that is tough. I had no idea that depression could cause severe and almost debilitating fatigue at times, that it's tough to do or want to do anything at all. I know I haven't been the best about getting back to people and staying in touch. I tend to internalize and isolate, which isn't the best way of coping, but the best way I know how right now. I think I do it as a self-protection and self-preservation mechanism to avoid more pain, but instead it probably does the opposite. It's still hard to talk about, and I feel like a lot of people expect me to have "gotten over it" by now, or just snap out of the depression, but it doesn't work like that. Unless you've been there it's hard to understand. I miss my best friend, and I still cry often. Everyday is hard- some days, more-so than others. It's hard trying to figure out how to move on and move forward without that person. I miss hearing Aaron's voice, and I miss our discussions and his opinions on everything. I miss sharing good and bad moments with him. I am trying to figure out how to define my life without him in it. My lie was tied into and revolved around his so much for 8 years, that it's hard to figure out who you are on your own. Aaron coming into my life was a huge blessing and I am better for it, but it's hard to try to figure out the meaning behind having him taken so young and way too early. I have no anger, just sorrow. I see him in my dreams often, but usually he is just out of reach. I know the grieving process is long and hard and I will be going through it for a long time, yet. I know over time part of me will start to heal some, but there will always be a hole and a spot in my heart and mind where Aaron belongs.
Anyway, hope some of that made sense. I know a lot of you have been asking and been concerned and I just am not great at answering and responding. I don't know what to say, and sometimes I really do need and want to talk about it with someone, but don't know how to go about doing that, especially knowing I will be an emotional mess through the conversation. I apologize for shutting people out, and I apologize in advance if I still have short-comings in that department in the future. I really need my friends and family more than anything right now, instead of shutting them out and isolating myself. I hope you will all forgive me for that. Sometimes just getting through a day is about all I can do, and don't have much left to offer of myself, but it's something I need to work on- just like I need to work on being happy. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other.I truly have been a horrible friend, and want the chance to mend some of those bridges/friendships again, especially with my NC "family." I want to know how everyone is doing and I want to hear all of your happy news and excitement, as well as the things that aren't going well. I don't want to be treated differently because of what I am going through. You can complain to me about something all you want, and I will gladly listen. I just miss my friends and being able to talk about everything more than anything.
Sorry for the kind of doom and gloom update. I am exhausted and it's late, so hopefully I didn't ramble too much, or speak gibberish. I hope it was coherent and made sense. I just wanted to be honest and let you all know how I was REALLY doing, and not just say "I'm great," since that really isn't the truth. Having your body hold you back from doing much and getting out, makes it harder to get my mind off things, and I end up dwelling on them, making the depression and this viscous cycle worse. I am not putting this out there for pity, sympathy or anything else of that nature. I am not feeling sorry for myself, I just wanted to be honest and let those of you know, especially everyone who has asked me or others and have been wondering, exactly how I am doing, and I didn't want to be dishonest or sugar coat it. Losing the love of your life at 26 is tough, but if I had a do-over and knew that I would only have Aaron for 8 short years, I would choose Aaron and those 8 years again in a heartbeat, without any doubt or hesitation. How he touched my life in those 8 years is immeasurable, and I am grateful that he chose me to be his wife. I loved him so much, and I still do know. I just have hope that he is up there watching down on us, protecting us, and making sure we are ok, and he's in a place where his lungs are no longer holding him back.
Anyway, I hope you all please try to stay in touch, and I will try to do better on my end. I hope I didn't upset anyone with this post, just wanted to be honest. This journey is hard and long, but in time I will get through it, but right now I need time and I need to grieve. Thank you to everyone for your friendship, love, thoughts and prayers. They and all of you mean so much to me, even if I don't always tell you or acknowledge it.
--Kel
P.S. I'll have a more thorough update on the last 7 months and my health in another post later on, but I figured this was a good place to start. Also, feel free to comment below or message me if you want, or have any further questions.
P.P.S. Starting to finalize plans and details for Aaron's Scholarship Fund in the next few weeks. It will be a great legacy and we are grateful to everyone who has donated thus far and whom have expressed interest in donating yearly to keep the fund going. Without all of you, we wouldn't have been able to accomplish something Aaron laid out in his last wishes.
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