A Quick Update on Me and How I Am Doing 7 Months Later

This is just a quick update on how I am doing, I'll write a more detailed one later that includes stuff on my RSD and pain management. I know a lot of you have been asking and I haven't been great at responding and staying in touch. Sometimes, I just can't talk about it, and knowing if I got on the phone and tried to talk about it, that I would be an absolute mess. Depression and everything with my RSD and new meds have also made me very fatigued with little energy and a lot of apathy, and due to that sometimes I put off responding. I also am not sure what to give as an answer. When someone asks, do they want the whole sometimes horrible long truth and story, or just say that I am ok? Maybe I'll just say, I'm taking things one day at a time, and that some days are better than others. Some days the pain seems so fresh and deep, where the smallest thing can bring on the tears and the flood of emotions. Some days I can smile and laugh. Sometimes explaining it would be tough, because I don't always understand or realize what's going on and how I am doing and feeling. I can tell you that many days I am NOT ok. Losing the love of your life, your best friend and soulmate, someone who knew everything about you, even your flaws and deepest secrets and still loved you for you, isn't easy. If you would have asked me 8 years ago if I was going to be a widow a the age of 26, I would have said you were crazy. If you never have experienced the loss of someone so close before, you think the cliche of "Time Heals or Lessens All Wounds" is true, but once you have been in my shoes, you know that it's not true. Seven months later, it doesn't hurt any less, and sometimes it hurts more, now that the shock and craziness has worn off.
Due to pain issues and medication side-effects it's hard to get out and do much, and keep busy. I am definitely struggling with a lot of depression (due mostly to losing Aaron, but also due to RSD, not really having many people around here to get me out of the house, having my life suddenly uprooted and leaving the closest and best friends a girl could ever ask for), but when you spend 8 years of your life with someone and were as close as A and I were (we had a special relationship, a deep unconditional love, a solid foundation of friendship, and experienced more together in 8 years that most people go through together in a lifetime, and that there strengthened our relationship and made it stronger than ever), especially the 3 years in NC, you don't just get over it, and there is no timeline on when you should be done grieving. A lot happened around the time Aaron passed away- uprooting my life, and leaving behind my closest friends, whom I miss dearly, having to move back home and in with my parents, finding out that my RSD had gone systemic/full body, and other things I won't get into. Sometimes I feel like more like a burden than anything else- like I am existing in life and not living and being an active participant in life, like Aaron would want me to be, but with the depression and not having a lot of independence it's hard. I know I have the power to change it, but figuring out how to go about doing that is tough. I had no idea that depression could cause severe and almost debilitating fatigue at times, that it's tough to do or want to do anything at all. I know I haven't been the best about getting back to people and staying in touch. I tend to internalize and isolate, which isn't the best way of coping, but the best way I know how right now. I think I do it as a self-protection and self-preservation mechanism to avoid more pain, but instead it probably does the opposite. It's still hard to talk about, and I feel like a lot of people expect me to have "gotten over it" by now, or just snap out of the depression, but it doesn't work like that. Unless you've been there it's hard to understand. I miss my best friend, and I still cry often. Everyday is hard- some days, more-so than others. It's hard trying to figure out how to move on and move forward without that person. I miss hearing Aaron's voice, and I miss our discussions and his opinions on everything. I miss sharing good and bad moments with him. I am trying to figure out how to define my life without him in it. My lie was tied into and revolved around his so much for 8 years, that it's hard to figure out who you are on your own. Aaron coming into my life was a huge blessing and I am better for it, but it's hard to try to figure out the meaning behind having him taken so young and way too early. I have no anger, just sorrow. I see him in my dreams often, but usually he is just out of reach. I know the grieving process is long and hard and I will be going through it for a long time, yet. I know over time part of me will start to heal some, but there will always be a hole and a spot in my heart and mind where Aaron belongs.

Anyway, hope some of that made sense. I know a lot of you have been asking and been concerned and I just am not great at answering and responding. I don't know what to say, and sometimes I really do need and want to talk about it with someone, but don't know how to go about doing that, especially knowing I will be an emotional mess through the conversation. I apologize for shutting people out, and I apologize in advance if I still have short-comings in that department in the future. I really need my friends and family more than anything right now, instead of shutting them out and isolating myself. I hope you will all forgive me for that. Sometimes just getting through a day is about all I can do, and don't have much left to offer of myself, but it's something I need to work on- just like I need to work on being happy. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other.I truly have been a horrible friend, and want the chance to mend some of those bridges/friendships again, especially with my NC "family." I want to know how everyone is doing and I want to hear all of your happy news and excitement, as well as the things that aren't going well. I don't want to be treated differently because of what I am going through. You can complain to me about something all you want, and I will gladly listen. I just miss my friends and being able to talk about everything more than anything.

Sorry for the kind of doom and gloom update. I am exhausted and it's late, so hopefully I didn't ramble too much, or speak gibberish. I hope it was coherent and made sense. I just wanted to be honest and let you all know how I was REALLY doing, and not just say "I'm great," since that really isn't the truth. Having your body hold you back from doing much and getting out, makes  it harder to get my mind off things, and I end up dwelling on them, making the depression and this viscous cycle worse. I am not putting this out there for pity, sympathy or anything else of that nature. I am not feeling sorry for myself, I just wanted to be honest and let those of you know, especially everyone who has asked me or others and have been wondering, exactly how I am doing, and I didn't want to be dishonest or sugar coat it. Losing the love of your life at 26 is tough, but if I had a do-over and knew that I would only have Aaron for 8 short years, I would choose Aaron and those 8 years again in a heartbeat, without any doubt or hesitation. How he touched my life in those 8 years is immeasurable, and I am grateful that he chose me to be his wife. I loved him so much, and I still do know. I just have hope that he is up there watching down on us, protecting us, and making sure we are ok, and he's in a place where his lungs are no longer holding him back.

Anyway, I hope you all please try to stay in touch, and I will try to do better on my end.  I hope I didn't upset anyone with this post, just wanted to be honest. This journey is hard and long, but in time I will get through it, but right now I need time and I need to grieve. Thank you to everyone for your friendship, love, thoughts and prayers. They and all of you mean so much to me, even if I don't always tell you or acknowledge it.


--Kel

P.S. I'll have a more thorough update on the last 7 months and my health in another post later on, but I figured this was a good place to start. Also, feel free to comment below or message me if you want, or have any further questions.

P.P.S. Starting to finalize plans and details for Aaron's Scholarship Fund in the next few weeks. It will be a great legacy and we are grateful to everyone who has donated thus far and whom have expressed interest in donating yearly to keep the fund going. Without all of you, we wouldn't have been able to accomplish something Aaron laid out in his last wishes.