New Year, Hopefully Improved Health, and a Commitment to me and my Body, Mind and Soul, A Year of New Beginnings

2014, the beginning of a New Year. A time when we all sit down and reflect, especially about the changes we want to make in our lives- our good intentions, our New Year's resolutions, many we work hard at that we fulfill and succeed, but even more, all with good intentions, fall by the wayside, as we get into routines, a " comfort," which is very, very difficult to change. We may really try, but we usually fall back into old habits, as much as we try not to. Changing your lifestyle, integrating something new into our lives is very difficult, especially sticking to it. I think many of us set such high, lofty, big goals, which are wonderful, but it's easier to make smaller, easier to achieve goals, which will eventually help with the bigger picture. It's easier to make gradual changes and incorporate those into our lives, instead of the big goals being so overwhelming that we gave no idea where to even start. Not wanting to set myself up for disappointment in myself and in others, or feeling like a failure, never being able to stick to those resolutions, no matter how good my intentions might be, I no longer make "New Year's Resolutions (but this year I have made goals, but baby-steps, breaking the larger goal/picture into manageable chunks." You don't have to wait until a new year to make changes, set goals or make a list of new year resolution-type stuff. I know why we all use the New Year as our "jumping off point," as we feel a New Year changes everything, that the previous year is behind us, that we have a blank slate ready to be filled with everything we want to do, a new page is turned in the book of your life- a fresh clean page, a brand new chapter just waiting to be written because this year, this particular year, things will be different, you promise yourself.  You don't need to wait for that one day of the year, a day just like any other, except for it's distinction of the 1st day of a New Year. Any day can be the day you "wipe the slats clean" and start fresh, the day you turn the page and  "write" the story of the life you want to be living/leading and actually doing it. 

Part of 2013, and now 2014 have been/are going to be the years I take for me- I know that may sound selfish and whatnot but I need to focus on me, figure out who I am on my own, just me, and find that happiness and joy inside if myself and figure out how to love me, all of me-flaws, scars, mind, body, spirit and all, and learn to be at peace with myself. That's my biggest goal. I need to work on my health, my body, mind, emotions and spirit and just be happy with me. Having recently completed a cognitive-behavioral approach to dealing with severe chronic pain/having several difficult to live with health issues, working through the fact that my life is not how I ever dreamed if or imagined, but that that's ok. It helped me learn that I need to set goals/"New Years-type resolutions"/subtle but doable changes to my life/life-style, something to live for and work towards, but also how to break those goals down step-by-step to make them less overwhelming and more achievable and to start with short - term goals, those you can accomplish in 6 months, but in the back of your mind a bigger goal, that the smaller goals will help you work towards. Other than my health and working in me in particular, I want to be a better friend/family member and stay in better touch with people instead of withdrawing inside myself and not dealing with things, I want to be self-sufficient- be able to find my own place that I can afford or work towards being in a place financially and physically where I am able to find an apt and live on my own again, and work on being ok with living and being alone, not let the loneliness pull me down, that is fairly decent and find a way to hopefully being disabled like having someone come in and help with some if the cleaning, as pain makes household chores difficult as is cooking, find a way to meet people and friends my age- it's hard when people can't always relate to me and everything I have gone through when they are living the dream I envisioned got myself, but regardless, I want to try to make and maintain friendships in town, meeting people somehow, just to get out and socialize. I miss having friendships with amazing women like I have had in the past and most recently in NC. I need to think about trying to move forward with my life, as it's been on hold since losing Aaron- I think it will be tough, I don't know that I'm ready- I am just lonely and miss having that emotional intimacy with someone, but I know he didn't want me to be alone and he wants me to be happy, but it's an absolutely terrifying thought, so that may be put on hold, especially until I figure out who I am and learn to love me/myself as I am, as I am very shy and insecure about myself. I can't imagine finding someone like Aaron again or finding that kind of love again, as I was lucky to find it once, but you never know. I am not ready or at that point yet where I am even ready to meet someone,   I miss and love Aaron so much it hurts, he loved me unconditionally, all of me, even the parts of me I hate or am very insecure about, especially my physical appearance, especially where I used to be thin, fit and confident about myself until I got sick, lost the ability to be so active and medications causing massive weight gain in such a short time frame, so I'm so subconscious about my weight and looks, not knowing how anyone, especially Aaron, for that matter thought I was beautiful just the way I was and who wants someone overweight and sick- having an illness is a huge burden to put on someone, as the illness affects the entire family and everyone you care about and who cares about you. Why would a man want to take that on, someone who physically is unable to work or be Miss Suzy homemaker. See what I mean about finding out who I am and about needing to learn to love myself, especially before I can even expect or am able to find someone to love me. Anyway, goals, goals, goals...  Just need to work on me, that's the biggest one and then self- sufficiency/independence/going back to living on my own.  I'm 29, it's time- I will be 30 in a year and definitely want things to change before then. 

To work on my health, other than my Ketsmine infusions, which are such a blessing and I truly believe a gift from Aaron, making a bunch/a series  of "coincidences" occur that led to getting Ketamine a Infusions and some wonderful doctors from the wonderful doctors in New Hampshire to my new amazing neurologist in a Brunswick. It's a few too many coincidences that happened and I don't believe in that many coincidences, it's something else and focusing on my health and getting wonderful opportunities and wonderful doctors who are working diligently on my "case" to help me feel better, and I think that was a gift from Aaron, telling me it was my time/turn to focus on my health after years of trying to keep Aaron healthy and his health being our main focus. I think he wanted to make up for the horrendous pain dr in NC who under treated my RSD/CRPS so much that he made the disease worse, though that wasn't his fault.  So now I am working with my neurologist in Brunswick, who by the way is AMAZING- she believes in the mind-body approach and we can harness the power of our minds to heal our bodies and in alternative treatments, not in band aids to mask symptoms, but in fixing the underlying problem if possible, as she has said modem medicine has failed me for the most part, which is pretty true, and using daily meditations when I first wake up every day started at 3 minutes and now working towards 5 mins w/an ultimate goal of 15-20 minutes max, to hopefully reprogram my nervous system, calming down the sympathetic nervous system, which is responsible for my RSD/CRPS, and it keeps my body in a constant fight or flight mode that most people only experience during an adrenaline rush/in an emergency, but my body is constantly stuck in that state, causing many issues like extreme fatigue (she basically said I gave an energy crisis on my body), dysfunction of my autonomic nervous system and pain, etc. We are hopeful that the meditations will help "awaken" my parasympathetic nervous system, which is more calming and relaxing, the opposite of fight or flight and return my body to that natural state of calm and out of that fight or flight mode. 

We are also doing  a Food Allergy Elimination Diet, which just plain sucks right now, but it's one by a Dr. Alan Gaby which is quite strict. I'm on day 3 of 21 (well it will be longer than that since the re-introduction if foods can take a while), and just taking it a day at a time, as my Dr. said. "You can do anything for one day, and tomorrow, when you get there, you can do anything for that one day." Sound advice. The food withdrawal for the first few days are the toughest. So many people think that food allergies/sensitivities only cause one if two things- 1. GI- Gastrointestinal issues, w/stomach/intestinal issues or 2. In the form of anaphylaxis, with rash, hives, swelling, throat swelling making breathing difficult, but there are many subtle/"hidden" things good sensitivities/intolerances/allergies such as: fatigue; anxiety; depression; insomnia; food cravings (the foods you crave, unless pregnant, are usually the foods that will be problematic for you); obesity; recurrent/susceptibility to infections- i.e. Frequent colds, sore throats, UTIs,ear infections, etc.; chronic nasal and chest congestion; postnatal drip; fluid in ears/inner ear issues and vertigo; GI/stomach issues; high blood pressure; heart arrhythmias; angina/chest pains; acne; eczema; psoriasis; canker sores; hives; muscle aches; osteoarthritis; rheumatoid arthritis; joint pain; inflammation; migraines and other headaches; numbness; asthma; and many other things most people would never associate with food allergies/sensitivities. We are trying to figure out if good may be playing any role in some of my health issues, especially since so many good allergies/sensitivities run rampant on both sides of my family, with gluten/Celiac Disease being the #1 food issue in my family. So for 3 weeks no soy, dairy, wheat/gluten, corn, nuts, eggs, chocolate, citrus fruits, bananas, dried fruit, coffee, tea, caffeine, yeast, refined sugars (can only have up to 3tsp a day total of honey and/or maple syrup), artificial sweeteners (which I can't have anyway as it's one of my biggest migraine triggers- almost an instantaneous migraine especially with aspartame), nothing with sulfites, food additives, tomatoes and other members if the "nightshade" family-tomatoes, peppers of any kind, white potatoes, eggplant, paprika, cayenne, and tobacco- the tobacco certainly is NOT something I've ever had or want to have, no garlic, onions, mushrooms, no non-organic grapes, all allowed juice is to be diluted 50:50 juice to water, any foods I crave or gave questions about even if on the "ok to eat list" or anything I eat 3 or more times a week as eating the same thing often, the increased exposure to a food can over time cause your body to become sensitive/allergic to the food and many other things. So many foods contain hidden ingredients that I can't have so it's tough. One day at a time and see if we can identify any food issues- we know that this won't fix or solve everything but it may help with some of the health issues I deal with if we identify and eliminate a possible food trigger/allergy/sensitivity. It will be worth it in the end when we know for sure one way or the other! Just keep thinking that and that I can do anything for ONE day! Once the withdrawal symptoms, hunger, fatigue, cravings and horrendous headaches calm down after I'm done detoxing, I should feel MUCH, MUCH better and this will get easier and not so overwhelming. The first 3-5 days are the toughest. Pone step, one day at a time! Here's to a new year with hopefully improved health, and maybe it will break my habit of eating only in the late afternoon into the night- I can go almost all day without eating but in the evening is when I make up for it, which is horrible, do I am hoping eating small frequent meals throughout the day will help break that cycle, which may help weight-wise, too, even though this diet has nothing to do with weight, instead it's all about finding food "triggers"/allergies/sensitivities, etc. 

So those are my eventual goals for the year to come. I'm turning the page to what is a new chapter in my life. My life and what I make if it/with it is mostly on my hands. I can control my life and destiny- it may not be or look like the life I framed of/imagined, but it's still a life to live, and every second of everyday, every single breath you take, counts, you have to make the most if it, take care of yourself and those you love and always tell people how you feel about them, if you love them, what they mean to you, whether a friend, family member, parent, sibling, spouse, child, etc., as you never know when life gets in the way or things happen, as we have such a short time together. You never know if it's the last chance you have to tell someone you love them- I know that first-hand. You don't want regrets or the " what-ifs." Embrace life, those around you and most importantly life. Aaron, Lori, Bobby, Amber, etc. taught me that and that life is fleeting. Now I just need to truly  "LIVE" it!

Happy New Year, everyone!  So despite my thoughts above, take advantage of that new year, that new chapter, that fresh new blank page, that clean slate and remember to always be true to yourself. 

Update: Kellie's First Ketamine Infusion

Hey everyone!

This is Kellie's friend Christy. I spoke with Kellie on the phone tonight, and I wanted to give you all an update on how her first day of treatment went.

She received a PICC line this morning. PICC stands for Peripherally Inserted Central Catheter. It is a line (catheter) that is inserted in the arm, and it ends near the heart. It is used for long-term IV infusions. It wasn't easy for them to locate a vein, but they used ultrasound to find one, and a radiologist inserted it. It isn't in the best of places (inside her right arm), but she's just happy that it is in, and they were able to get it on the first try. She has some soreness tonight from the insertion, but it's not too bad.

After a failed first attempt at sedating her for the Ketamine infusion, the second time was a charm. She had to get a lot of pre-meds before the infusion including Tylenol, Versed, Ativan, and Clonidine to protect her heart, blood pressure and central nervous system and also to stop her heart rate and blood pressure from increasing. They actually had someone come and perform Reiki on her, and with that, in addition to the medications, she was able to sleep for most of the infusion. 

They started out today giving her 80 mg of Ketamine. The reason they want you sedated during the infusion is because it can increase heart rate, blood pressure, and induce anxiety. Sedatives will prevent a patient from fighting the infusion, therefore allowing the infusion to do its job.

Other than some nausea immediately after and a small headache this evening, Kellie did great with her first infusion. She will get 100 mg tomorrow, and she will work her way up to the full 200 mg. Results from Ketamine, ie. a reduction in overall pain from RSD/CRPS, differs with each patient, but she could start to see results as early as the end of this week!!!

There are many known side effects to Ketamine infusions, so hopefully today is an indicator that her body is going to accept it, and that she will be able to continue treatment. I will update when I hear from her again.

Christy

Ketamine Infusions

Just wanted to let everyone know that I am under going an experimental treatment for the chronic pain disorder I have. I will try to update here and on facebook as time goes on/during the treatments, so check here and on my facebook page. My friend, Christy, will either post updates here or here and facebook, so stop in a check out my blog if you want an update. It won't be everyday, and over the weekend, when I'm home between my 10 days of treatments, I'll try to go into more detail about the Ketamine, how it all works, if it's helping, etc. I do want to chronicle my journey in hopes that it may help someone else, and it will help me see how much it's helping/working. 

Remember, if you want to know how things are going, check here or my facebook page (if Christy updates my facebook page, she'll be doing it under her own name so it won't necessarily show up in your news feed, unless she tags me in the post). Promise I'll give more details soon, but just wanted to let you all know where you can find updates if you are interested. I won't have a computer with me, but I gave my iPod Touch, so I can do some things if I'm not too fuzzy from the medications/infusions. Thanks everyone for the love and support! It means a lot, especially since I am so nervous. I have a lot riding on this, as this is the last treatment I haven't really tried (well I tried it but not using proper protocol, so there were no real results from it), otherwise, I've run out of options, so keeping my fingers crossed! 

Hope everyone has a good week!

Kellie

Steins for Sterling: Pub Crawl to Benefit The Aaron T. Sterling Memorial Scholarship Fund

Posted this on facebook once before but wanted to post this again in both places- facebook AND blog in case people hadn't seen it or wanted to support it. This event has been set-up as a way to celebrate Aaron's life and continue his legacy he wanted to start after he passed away. He wanted us to create a memorial scholarship fund in his name. This event will be to raise money for the scholarship fund itself so that Aaron's dream, wish, name, memory and legacy will live on. He wanted the scholarship to be something given out year after year, and by raising money for this event, it will definitely help! Two "sisters" of Aaron came up with and have organized this amazing event- a pub crawl in the Portland Old Port (Maine) on July 14th! Check the website below for more information. Registration for the event is $20 and I believe most if not all of that money will go straight to the scholarship fund. Even if you can't attend the event but want to help out and donate to the fund you can also do that on the website below- if not contact me and I'll give you the information.

It should be a wonderful and fun day filled with many friends and people whom Aaron touched in his short but vibrant life as well as with beer (how appropriate!). He made friends easier wherever he went, so I know he would love that all of his family, "family," friends and possibly acquaintances that loved Aaron. He would love that we are celebrating and raising money for his fund by coming together to do it. Anyway- we'd love to see you all there (family, family friends, friends of Aaron, his fraternity brothers/UMaine/Student Government friends that are in the area, even those who may not know Aaron well, if you want to participate in the pub crawl for a good cause, please feel free to come! We'd love to have you all. Here is the website with more info:

http://steinsforsterling.wordpress.com/

Aaron's 31st Birthday Today/The Long Grieving Process

I know I haven't written lately. I have a lot on my mind and a lot of thoughts I want to get down on paper. I was going to post this on Aaron's facebook wall, but it was so long, that I figured I would make it a blog post. Just some thoughts and reflections about what was going on a year ago today/July 6th. So much has happened, yet in some ways I am grieving as much, if not more than I was when I lost Aaron. I want to do another post soon just discussing everything that has gone on and my thoughts. Anyway, today would have been Aaron's 31st birthday.....

Hard to believe that tomorrow you would be 31. Taken from us way too early. You have been on my mind all week (you are daily, but even more so this week with the 4th of July (which you loved and reminisced about the 2-3 years we sat on our deck and watched  people set them off, like a private show. I miss those things. I miss sharing them with you) and then tomorrow's your birthday. Wish I could have given you a better party like I was planning (you wanted to celebrate your 30th birthday so badly (you liked celebrating every year, but last year was different. It was the big 3-0, a MAJOR milestone, and maybe you knew you didn't have much time left. You made it impossible to plan a surprise, and I so badly wanted to get everyone together and go roller skating/roller blading from your 30th, something you talked about for the longest time). Instead of the big party, which i was going to do when you got better, we had a wonderful birthday party for you in the Duke cafeteria. Minus a few people key people, you were definitely surrounded by people who had a lot of love for you. You were surrounded by the best friends you could ask for, whom had become like family to us. We had our hats and the incredibly decadent and delicious Black Forest Cake from Mad Hatters.

I also know that with your birthday coming up, I'll start remembering all the craziness that happened a few days later, after your open lung biopsy, as you got sicker and sicker with no answers, not knowing what to treat or how to treat what was going on, or even what was going on before that being in the hospital for 6 weeks and then two weeks after coming home, you were there another 3 before passing away. I'm glad you had that day, though not very elaborate, but memorable, seeing everyone  and catching up one last time for most people that were there. I know from then on, things got bad, you got sicker, we almost lost you in July, and I had hopes of you pulling through.

When you came home, those two weeks meant the world to me, and was what we both needed. Time to be together, hold each other and talk. July had scared us both and we were hanging on to each other for dear life. I am dreading our anniversary, because that was the day I truly lost you. I Sure you were with us for another 3 weeks, but you weren't really "with" us. The 9th at 4AM I was pretty much saying goodbye, though I didn't know it yet. I clung to you, and you told me to be strong and brave, that you were going to fight this and be fine. Unfortunately that wasn't the case, but I remember kissing you before they kicked me out of your room, holding on to you with my arms wrapped tightly around you, not wanting to let go, wondering if this was it. I had never seen you so sick. We got to say happy anniversary but never swapped cards. We both had them and you had discussed it a few days early but said we'd wait and you never got a chance to open my card and read the words I wrote to you straight from my heart after everything we had gone through in June and July, things I wanted you to know and hear, how I felt about you and almost losing you, and my thoughts and deepest feelings I had for you, and how it made me realize (the vent incident in July) that I loved you and what we had more than I had ever realized, if that makes sense. I felt like I was taking our relationship forgranted, thinking you'd always be there. It was the first time I thought, what am I going to do if you don't pull through? I opened your card one night when you and I both were having a rough night and struggling and it was such a beautiful card. You were never one for buying me or anyone for that matter sappy, mushy, romantic cards, (they were usually funny and cute), but for some reason, you got the perfect, romantic card with the perfect message. As painful as it was to open, and having tears sliding down my face, it was what I needed right then and there.

 The next 2 months are going to be very difficult. I can't believe you have been gone for 10 months now, at times it feels like it's been years and years. I am still grieving and will be for a long time to come. It just breaks my heart. I have never felt so lonely or lost, losing not only my husband and soulmate, but my best friend. I could tell him anything, and with just a hug or wiping away my tears, you were my rock, we both hid our internal turmoil and fears about losing you to protect each other. It's not fair that you had to lose your battle so young, but I know you are watching over us all, though now you have others up there with you, also taken so soon. I know you guys are watching over some friends who could desperately use the extra strength and someone watching over them right now.

I'm still trying to figure out how to move on/forward without you, but at times it's like walking blind and often into a wall. It's hard figuring out who I am, when we've always been Kellie and Aaron, since I was 18 and you were 22 I believe. Trying to figure out how to make us and we become me and I. Anyway, I'll stop rambling. Just been a tough, tough year, with more tough days ahead. I miss you more every single day, and my heart still aches, while tears still fall down my cheeks, but I also have so many wonderful and happy memories or us to make me laugh and smile- 8-10+ years of them. I just miss having you to share my life with, miss having you to talk to about anything and everything- we never, ever ran out of things to say, sharing experiences, having political discussions or anything controversial, where we could be on the same page and side, but you'd always play devil's advocate trying to make me think and put together a strong argument, watching many medial shows and talking about them or other shows we watched, discussing the future, dreaming of those days, watching our nephew grow up, just having someone you/I could depend on and trust completely, who knew how to help the pain in  my heart, and I miss your half-smile and your expressive eyes that told me that I was the only one for you and that you loved me, making me feel like the luckiest girl in the world, the only woman in the world sometimes, and you made me feel beautiful not matter what I thought in my head, brining so much laughter, happiness and joy into my life, which is often missing now. The one person you turn to when something like this happens is your spouse, but what do you do when it's your spouse that is gone? I know eventually I will figure it out, but regardless I will ALWAYS love you, no matter what or how much time passes. I know you want me to be happy, but I have a long way to go in the grieving process. Right now I have a lot of anger and some bitterness (not towards you or anyone in particular) just the situation and life in general. I'm trying to find the good amongst the bad, as you always did.

I love you with al my heart and soul and miss you so incredibly much, I miss you more with each passing day, knowing that it's another day past the the day we lost you.

Happy 31st Birthday, my love. ♥

P.S. Sending love and thoughts to my mother-in-law who is stuck in bed, forbidden to get up except for a few exceptions, with her foot extremely elevated after having surgery on her ankle on Monday. She unfortunately will be stuck like that for two weeks, and then will go from there! I know she (and my father-in-law) could use some extra love, support and thoughts right now with her ankle and with it being Aaron's birthday. <3

A Quick Update on Me and How I Am Doing 7 Months Later

This is just a quick update on how I am doing, I'll write a more detailed one later that includes stuff on my RSD and pain management. I know a lot of you have been asking and I haven't been great at responding and staying in touch. Sometimes, I just can't talk about it, and knowing if I got on the phone and tried to talk about it, that I would be an absolute mess. Depression and everything with my RSD and new meds have also made me very fatigued with little energy and a lot of apathy, and due to that sometimes I put off responding. I also am not sure what to give as an answer. When someone asks, do they want the whole sometimes horrible long truth and story, or just say that I am ok? Maybe I'll just say, I'm taking things one day at a time, and that some days are better than others. Some days the pain seems so fresh and deep, where the smallest thing can bring on the tears and the flood of emotions. Some days I can smile and laugh. Sometimes explaining it would be tough, because I don't always understand or realize what's going on and how I am doing and feeling. I can tell you that many days I am NOT ok. Losing the love of your life, your best friend and soulmate, someone who knew everything about you, even your flaws and deepest secrets and still loved you for you, isn't easy. If you would have asked me 8 years ago if I was going to be a widow a the age of 26, I would have said you were crazy. If you never have experienced the loss of someone so close before, you think the cliche of "Time Heals or Lessens All Wounds" is true, but once you have been in my shoes, you know that it's not true. Seven months later, it doesn't hurt any less, and sometimes it hurts more, now that the shock and craziness has worn off.
Due to pain issues and medication side-effects it's hard to get out and do much, and keep busy. I am definitely struggling with a lot of depression (due mostly to losing Aaron, but also due to RSD, not really having many people around here to get me out of the house, having my life suddenly uprooted and leaving the closest and best friends a girl could ever ask for), but when you spend 8 years of your life with someone and were as close as A and I were (we had a special relationship, a deep unconditional love, a solid foundation of friendship, and experienced more together in 8 years that most people go through together in a lifetime, and that there strengthened our relationship and made it stronger than ever), especially the 3 years in NC, you don't just get over it, and there is no timeline on when you should be done grieving. A lot happened around the time Aaron passed away- uprooting my life, and leaving behind my closest friends, whom I miss dearly, having to move back home and in with my parents, finding out that my RSD had gone systemic/full body, and other things I won't get into. Sometimes I feel like more like a burden than anything else- like I am existing in life and not living and being an active participant in life, like Aaron would want me to be, but with the depression and not having a lot of independence it's hard. I know I have the power to change it, but figuring out how to go about doing that is tough. I had no idea that depression could cause severe and almost debilitating fatigue at times, that it's tough to do or want to do anything at all. I know I haven't been the best about getting back to people and staying in touch. I tend to internalize and isolate, which isn't the best way of coping, but the best way I know how right now. I think I do it as a self-protection and self-preservation mechanism to avoid more pain, but instead it probably does the opposite. It's still hard to talk about, and I feel like a lot of people expect me to have "gotten over it" by now, or just snap out of the depression, but it doesn't work like that. Unless you've been there it's hard to understand. I miss my best friend, and I still cry often. Everyday is hard- some days, more-so than others. It's hard trying to figure out how to move on and move forward without that person. I miss hearing Aaron's voice, and I miss our discussions and his opinions on everything. I miss sharing good and bad moments with him. I am trying to figure out how to define my life without him in it. My lie was tied into and revolved around his so much for 8 years, that it's hard to figure out who you are on your own. Aaron coming into my life was a huge blessing and I am better for it, but it's hard to try to figure out the meaning behind having him taken so young and way too early. I have no anger, just sorrow. I see him in my dreams often, but usually he is just out of reach. I know the grieving process is long and hard and I will be going through it for a long time, yet. I know over time part of me will start to heal some, but there will always be a hole and a spot in my heart and mind where Aaron belongs.

Anyway, hope some of that made sense. I know a lot of you have been asking and been concerned and I just am not great at answering and responding. I don't know what to say, and sometimes I really do need and want to talk about it with someone, but don't know how to go about doing that, especially knowing I will be an emotional mess through the conversation. I apologize for shutting people out, and I apologize in advance if I still have short-comings in that department in the future. I really need my friends and family more than anything right now, instead of shutting them out and isolating myself. I hope you will all forgive me for that. Sometimes just getting through a day is about all I can do, and don't have much left to offer of myself, but it's something I need to work on- just like I need to work on being happy. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other.I truly have been a horrible friend, and want the chance to mend some of those bridges/friendships again, especially with my NC "family." I want to know how everyone is doing and I want to hear all of your happy news and excitement, as well as the things that aren't going well. I don't want to be treated differently because of what I am going through. You can complain to me about something all you want, and I will gladly listen. I just miss my friends and being able to talk about everything more than anything.

Sorry for the kind of doom and gloom update. I am exhausted and it's late, so hopefully I didn't ramble too much, or speak gibberish. I hope it was coherent and made sense. I just wanted to be honest and let you all know how I was REALLY doing, and not just say "I'm great," since that really isn't the truth. Having your body hold you back from doing much and getting out, makes  it harder to get my mind off things, and I end up dwelling on them, making the depression and this viscous cycle worse. I am not putting this out there for pity, sympathy or anything else of that nature. I am not feeling sorry for myself, I just wanted to be honest and let those of you know, especially everyone who has asked me or others and have been wondering, exactly how I am doing, and I didn't want to be dishonest or sugar coat it. Losing the love of your life at 26 is tough, but if I had a do-over and knew that I would only have Aaron for 8 short years, I would choose Aaron and those 8 years again in a heartbeat, without any doubt or hesitation. How he touched my life in those 8 years is immeasurable, and I am grateful that he chose me to be his wife. I loved him so much, and I still do know. I just have hope that he is up there watching down on us, protecting us, and making sure we are ok, and he's in a place where his lungs are no longer holding him back.

Anyway, I hope you all please try to stay in touch, and I will try to do better on my end.  I hope I didn't upset anyone with this post, just wanted to be honest. This journey is hard and long, but in time I will get through it, but right now I need time and I need to grieve. Thank you to everyone for your friendship, love, thoughts and prayers. They and all of you mean so much to me, even if I don't always tell you or acknowledge it.


--Kel

P.S. I'll have a more thorough update on the last 7 months and my health in another post later on, but I figured this was a good place to start. Also, feel free to comment below or message me if you want, or have any further questions.

P.P.S. Starting to finalize plans and details for Aaron's Scholarship Fund in the next few weeks. It will be a great legacy and we are grateful to everyone who has donated thus far and whom have expressed interest in donating yearly to keep the fund going. Without all of you, we wouldn't have been able to accomplish something Aaron laid out in his last wishes.

My Eulogy of Aaron

Here is what I read at Aaron's Celebration of Life Services. I know it's a little long, but I had a hard time editing anything out. Just want you all to know the person that Aaron was. 

Christopher Reeve once said, “A hero is an ordinary individual who finds the strength to preserver and endure in spite of overwhelming obstacles.” I think this sums up Aaron, and how he lived life. He never set out nor wanted to be a hero or an inspiration to anyone, but he truly was. Aaron showed us how to live and love life, even when we are at our lowest points, or facing great obstacles.

I still remember the first time that I met Aaron. I was 16 or 17 years old, and it was my first day of work at Central Maine Medical Center as a Certified Nurses’ Aid. I was already nervous, when I was told my first patient was someone with Cystic Fibrosis who spent a lot of time in the hospital. I went in to do his vital signs, and fumbled with the blood pressure cuff, due to my nerves. He made some joke about it, as only Aaron would. I was absolutely mortified. Little did I know that I had met my best friend, soul mate and love of my life that day. We didn’t start dating until a couple years later when I attended the University of Maine with him. Our relationship was built on the foundation of a deep friendship.

I always knew that our time together would be shorter than most, but I wouldn’t change or trade our time we did have together, 8 wonderful years, for anything. If I had a chance to go back and do it again, I wouldn’t change a thing, or give up that time we did had. I would choose Aaron and the love we shared, every single time. Every moment we had together, was truly a gift. We may have faced more obstacles in our 8 years together, than most people ever do, but those obstacles and challenges just brought us closer, and cemented our bond even more. Aaron asked me often in the beginning if I really wanted to start a relationship and fall in love with someone who may not be with me very long, due to his health struggles. His first lung transplant was coming up, and he wasn’t sure of the outcome, and wanted to protect me from getting hurt. Aaron was always protecting me and those he loved. What he didn’t know is that my heart had already chosen him and loved him. I had fallen under the spell of the famous “Sterling Charm” as he called it. We often talked about the future, “OUR future”- getting married, having children, buying a house, etc. and all of the wonderful things we would be able to do together. We both knew early on, within a few months or even weeks, that this was it- we had met our soul mate, life partner, and best friend. He taught me what it meant to truly love someone, unconditionally. Meeting and falling in love with Aaron is the best present I could ever have been given. When I try to imagine what life would be like if we hadn’t met, I can only see a blank space. Aaron was everything to me. As clichéd as this sounds, he completed me.

We had our struggles like any couple, but we tried to take advantage of time we were given with each other. We always made sure to say, “I love you,” at the end of every phone call, and whenever we were leaving to go somewhere, even for just a few minutes along with a kiss. We always wanted each other to know how the other was feeling- life is too short not to.

Aaron loved to do little things for everyone. He loved to get me flowers- just because or do something special, like cook a nice meal or vacuum the apartment to make sure I knew I was loved and special to him. For his first transplant, he orchestrated with his Dad to get each of the ladies of the group that were there during the transplant a single red rose from him. Aaron wanted to show his appreciation to all of us for being there and supporting him. In his last few months, he bought me a Kindle, something I have wanted for a while, as a thank you for standing by him. I told him that love and the promises we made in our vows to each other, mean standing by someone through the good times and bad, in sickness and in health, and that he would and was doing the same for me.

Aaron was the same with his friends and family- no matter what time it was or what he was doing, if someone needed to talk, he would stay up or drop everything and talk with them. Aaron was always available for a friend or family. If a friend was having a tough day or period of time, he would do whatever he could to help them work through it, and then make them smile or laugh. Aaron’s smile and humor was infectious, and it wasn’t long before you forgot your troubles, even for just a moment. Aaron always went above and beyond for his friends, family and those he loved. He had a huge heart, and jumped at the chance to help someone, and try to make their life easier. Aaron always said that if he could take away the hurt, the pain, the sadness, and the tough obstacles we all face, he would. He always wanted to take on everyone else’s burden, even though he carried a heavy one of his own.

Aaron always found a way to connect with someone he met, and he quickly, and easily made friends anywhere he went. He found something in common with a particular person, and bonded over that common interest- whether that was cooking, music, politics, hunting, fishing, home brewing, golfing, or any other thing he loved to do. Looking around at all of you, shows all of us, just how many lives Aaron has touched. Even just spending 5 minutes with Aaron, had the potential to change your life. I am humbled and heartened to see how many people loved and cared about Aaron, and were inspired by him. Even though he is gone, he will continue to live on through all of us, and the countless lives he touched. Aaron may not feel like he accomplished everything he wanted in life, but affecting, touching and changing the life of even just one person, can make a big difference in the world. He was a true an inspiration and teacher to us all.

As Abraham Lincoln once said, “It’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years. “ Even though Aaron only had 30, years, he did more living in those 30 years, than many people do in a lifetime. Aaron loved life, and wanted to squeeze every second and every minute out of every day. He hated to go to sleep at night, even as an adult, afraid he would miss something going on. No matter how horrible he felt, he still went out with friends, played golf, cooked, hunted, fished, home brewed, cross stitched, among many other things.

I have asked on my facebook page for everyone to share with me their favorite memory of Aaron. I am also asking that you please take one of the index cards on the table near the guest book, in order to write down and share a memory or two of Aaron. I know that many of you have several wonderful memories, and I love reading them. I haven’t given my favorite memories yet, because I wanted to share them with you all now. It’s so hard to sift through 8 years of memories and pick just one. I think my favorite times with Aaron are the many days and nights we spent at home together, just the two of us, cooking dinner, curling up on the couch together to watch tv or a movie, or even just talking, or sitting on the deck playing cribbage or some other game, which Aaron ALWAYS won. I loved the nights we set up Aaron’s telescope to look at the moon and stars and talked about the Great Beyond. Even though we spent pretty much 24 hours a day together, we NEVER ran out of things to talk about. We never grew tired of spending that time together and tried to take advantage of every minute we had together.

Aaron always took care of me and tried to protect me. He always indulged my little quirks and fantasies- let me follow Blake Shelton around NC and eventually meet him, always let me have the remote and watch the shows I wanted, and he never complained or went in the other room. He put up with it and watched with me and said it was a way he could spend time with me. Aaron even wore the hat I knit him, which was ONLY a few sizes too large, almost every day in the winter because he appreciated the effort and didn’t want to hurt my feelings. Instead of stuffing it in the back of the closet, never to be seen again, he wore it with pride. He loved that hat because I made it for him.

Aaron was a master chef and loved to cook for our families, our friends and me. Aaron was an unbelievably good cook, and he always made it look so easy. The only problem when he cooked is that he felt the need to dirty every dish and utensil in our entire apartment. He would plan out menus and meals ahead of time, and loved to host and entertain. He was a perfectionist in everything, and things never came out quite to his liking, but we all thought everything was delicious. He always made Easter dinner, corned his own beef for St. Patrick’s Day, and loved to plan many meals in between. Thankfully I always had him to cook for me because the few instances where I tried to cook for him, didn’t always go well- for example the one day I tried to make sausage and biscuits for him for his birthday, and ended up getting flecks of the cast iron skillet in the gravy. Even though he was a great cook, there are a few instances where experimentation went wrong. I remember Aaron was cooking some duck breasts for us, and the directions said to get the cast iron skillet white hot. Well, Aaron took that pretty literally, despite my protests. The minute he put the duck breast, fat side down in the pan, it flashed, and smoke immediately filled our apartment. I had to open both doors-front and back, and every single window in the entire apartment. I made him take the duck out of the pan and let it cool down, but it took a long time for the smoke to clear and the smell of burnt duck to leave the apartment. Needless to say, we never made duck again. There was also an occasion with our close friends in North Carolina, Dana and Casey. Dana also has CF and had a life saving double lung transplant over 11 years ago. They were vacationing in the Outer Banks, and invited us along for a few days of respite. Aaron and I wanted so badly to make them a “thank you dinner.” We were going to cook something on the grill, but it was too windy. Aaron had Casey put the pan on the stove to heat up, but then the pan was forgotten about a little too long. Aaron went to put the butter in the warm pan and swirl it around. He realized a little too late that the pan was too hot, and it wasn’t long before the butter caught fire, and we had some pretty tall flames. Another mistake was made when the hot pan was put on a pot holder and ended up melting and burning the pot holder as well. Dana and I were screaming thinking we were going to set this huge, expensive beach house on fire, and Aaron calmly put the fire out. We have definitely had a lot of laughs about that.

Aaron also loved to brew his own beer. His last batch is still sitting in our bathroom, waiting to be bottled, but it was definitely a batch that I will never forget. Casey came over to brew Raspberry Lambic with him. I spent most of the day on the deck, but ended up leaving for a few minutes. When I got home, I found Casey and Aaron in the kitchen trying to clean up the brew that had spilled all over the kitchen floor (the brew was too hot when they poured it into a special plastic fermentation bottle, and the bottle ended up shrinking, causing the brew to spill all over the kitchen floor. I am just thankful they didn’t do this on the carpet). I figured that would be the last of that home brew I would have to clean up, but later on that night I was sitting in the living room and suddenly heard a hissing noise coming from the bathroom. It was 2 in the morning and Aaron was sleeping. I ran into the bedroom, and said, “Aaron I think your homebrew is hissing.” He ran into the bathroom with me, just in time to see a geyser of red beer shooting out from the brewing bottle, reaching the ceiling and flying all over every surface in the entire bathroom. He just stood there watching this geyser, while I yelled, “DO SOMETHING about it, don’t just watch it.” Finally we were able to stop it, and we spent the next few hours cleaning the entire guest bathroom- walls, ceiling, sink, shower, toilet, floor, etc. Like I said, it will definitely be a batch of beer, I will NEVER forget.

I loved all of Aaron’s little quirks- his interesting choice of clothing- those wonderful plaid 70s golf pants, of the faux suede pants and red plaid shirt he just had to get when we were in Quebec, the fact that you could never get a great picture of him outside, unless he had his sunglasses on (can’t count how many pictures we have of us where Aaron is making the most ridiculous faces), his love of music, politics, and his very sarcastic and at times, twisted sense of humor. There was hardly an hour that went by when we weren’t laughing at something, usually some comment made at my expense.

I carry in my heart so many wonderful memories, and it’s hard to just pick a few. I will always remember the love and laughter we shared. He always knew just what to say to make me smile on all those hard days, and a simple hug could make everything right with the world. Aaron hated to see anyone sad or cry, and wished he could take the sadness away, which is true with anyone you love. Aaron always made me feel like the luckiest girl in the world, and like the most beautiful girl, even at my worst, or the many moments where I feel far from beautiful. Forget asking Aaron for an honest opinion on a haircut or outfit- he would tell me I looked beautiful without even looking, saying he loved everything I wore and liked my haircut and color anyway I did it. Aaron had a way of making me feel like I was the only person in the world that mattered, and I know many friends who feel the same way. Aaron had a way about him, so that during most conversations, he made it seem like he was always listening and whatever you had to say was important.

Aaron was someone who was always thinking about someone else, saying that what he was dealing with was minimal compared to many others around him. He always felt that someone else had it worse. He never once complained about the hand in life he was given, he just did the best he could with strength, perseverance, grace, dignity, bravery, and love. Aaron embraced life, love, family and friends, the important things that may seem small, the things we neglect or take forgranted, but they are the things we remember most when we look back. He always went out of his way to help someone with their own burdens- whether answering questions about life after transplant, sharing his own experiences, or helping someone work through a problem. He was an amazing man, who continues to inspire me to live life to the fullest every single day. Aaron was a fighter and he was strong, courageous and humble until the end, and I am a better person because of Aaron.

I wanted to leave you with a few things. The first one is from our commitment ceremony:

 I cannot promise you a life of sunshine

I cannot promise you riches, wealth or gold

I cannot promise you an easy pathway

That leads you away from change or growing old

But I can promise all my hearts devotion

A smile to chase away your tears of sorrow

A love that is ever true & growing

A hand to hold in yours through each tomorrow

This passage is from a book called “The Meaning of life”

“Love, in all its fragile forms, is the one powerful, enduring force that brings real meaning to our everyday lives. The love I mean is the fire that burns inside us all, the inner warmth that prevents our soul from freezing in the winters of despair. It’s the love of life itself. It’s the voice that says, “Celebrate life, be creative!” It brings with it the passion and understanding that some things in life are worth dying for, but there is so much more worth living for.”

I love you, Aaron T. Sterling. Thank you for teaching me that nothing is impossible, and to cherish every moment. You touched my life profoundly, and I will forever be grateful for the short time we had together. You have shown us all how to truly live life with no regrets. You will forever be in my heart and thoughts, and will live on through all of us, the people whose lives you touched, and our wonderful memories. In our vows, we didn’t say, “Until death do us part,” but instead we said, “You are my soul mate, and my best friend. I would be honored to be your life partner, not only ‘til death do us part, but for eternity and forever more.” We knew our love for each other wouldn’t end at death, but continue on. I will love you always, and I won’t say goodbye, but instead, Until we meet again.

I’ll end with a poignant quote:

"Some people come into our lives and quickly go, some stay for a while and leave footprints on our hearts. And we are never, ever the same."